The title of this week’s episode of True Blood, “Whatever I am, You Made Me,” really fits with most of the storylines going on this week. Whether it is referring to the slew of vampires and their makers we check in with, or Jason and his serious issues – the title really has a lot to say about the characters in Bon Temps.

Don’t Know, Can’t Tell Ya
Before we get to all the supernatural beings, let’s check in with the one couple that is all human, if not a bit crazy. Terry (Todd Lowe) never came home to Arlene (Carrie Preston) after finding her at Patrick’s. When he went to see her at Merlotte’s the next morning he apologized for scaring her, but also didn’t do much to make her feel better. Instead of telling her things would be okay, he just told her that he and Patrick (Scott Foley) were heading to fix the issue. Arlene didn’t like it and just wanted to know what was going on. What happened in Iraq? Can’t tell you. Where are they going? Can’t share that either. When will he be back? Who knows! He tells her she deserves better and agrees with her when she says she won’t wait for him. Sad faces all around for this totally messed up, but still adorable couple. Off Terry went, and Arlene… well her day didn’t get much better.

Issues with The Authority
A lot was going on over at The Authority headquarters. First, Roman (Christopher Meloni) needed a new face of the Vampire Mainstreaming Mission now that Nan Flanigan had been turned to goo. Who better than someone that already loves seeing his face on every television – Steve Newlin (Michael McMillian). While Steve’s self-assured behavior will surely suit him as a talking head, it doesn’t do him any favors with Roman and Salome (Valentina Cervi) because who wants to hear such big talk from a baby vampire? He is quickly put in his place, his smile barely wavering, and off he goes to preemptively strike against whatever Russell Edgington has planned.

As for Russell… well, they have a more direct plan to take care of him. Despite some argument from members of the Council, Bill and Eric are tasked with going and finding Russell. But they can’t just let these run off willy nilly! So a little techie vamp girl played by Tina Majorino (her character is essentially if Mac from Veronica Mars was turned into a vamp) outfits them with a harness around their chest. If they even think about doing something bad – stake right through the heart! Apparently there is an app for that! Before they go off, they each get some one on one time with Salome. And by that, I mean she seduces them both. Possibly my favorite scene was Eric starting to brag to Bill about it, and Bill basically says “yeah, I already hit that an hour ago. How do you like my sloppy seconds?” He says it better — but he does use the term “sloppy seconds” which just sounds awesome coming from a vampire.

Meanwhile, Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennessy) tortures Nora (Lucy Griffiths) until she admits she is part of the anti-mainstreaming movement. Roman isn’t happy, and Salome (his lover, it seems – that girl gets around) is upset because she brought Nora into the Authority. Oh…. there was also a lot of talk about Salome being the Salome… as in a disciple of Jesus. Someone got really into reading the bible during the hiatus it seems.
Andy’s pain in the ass.
Remember how Holly’s (Lauren Bowles) kids came home and saw naked Andy (Chris Bauer) in bed with her and took a picture? Well… charming lads put it on Facebook and now all of Bon Temps has seen it. Andy is embarrassed and frustrated and it’s not made any better when Gordon (Steve Rankin) and Barbara Pelt (Linda Purl) come looking for Debbie. Gordon and Barbara also go to see Alcide – but he tells them that Debbie was a V-addict and he werewolf-version of dumped her for good. They still ask for his help. Meanwhile, Andy goes to see Holly and she is mortified to hear about what her kids did. But then he asks her to “go steady” and she says yes, as they bond over being town screw-ups. A witch who lives in a motel and a alcoholic recovering V-addict who is now the laughing stock of town. Adorbs.

When Pam and Bill and Eric all met. Memories!
Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) continues to remember her time at the brothel. The dead whores – turns out they were coming from Lorena and Bill (who was still a baby vamp at the time). This is the first time the threesome were ever together. Kodak moment! Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) comes to Pam’s rescue and tells them to stop killing the whores and apologize to Pam. Bill (Stephen Moyer) is very mouthy about it because baby vamps are like that I guess. You can already tell that a bromance would brew between him and Eric. Pam, being the BAMF she is, also demands to be paid for all of the dead whores. Eric likes her gumption. So, of course, they sleep together.

While in bed, she asks him to ‘make’ her, but he doesn’t want that responsibility. She says he can leave her once he turns her, but he says that is like abandoning a baby (And yet with Tara…. we’ll get to that). Not to be held back from her dream of eternal life, Pam slits her wrists. Now either Eric can either let her die or become her maker. Guess what he chooses…. Oh Pam. Back in reality, Sookie (Anna Paquin) tries once again to get help for Tara. Pam refuses and tosses her aside. So Sook breaks out her fairy powers. Pam is not impressed. Oh…. and Holt went to Fangtasia in a net shirt and eyeliner. Pam held back her laughter. Yikes.

Why Jason is…. Jason.
While Jason (Ryan Kwanten) does some grocery shopping he runs into an old teacher and there are weird sparks. It is clear these two did more than study for exams. It’s creepy, but that doesn’t stop Jason from stopping by her house to say hello. The teacher says that she took advantage of Jason when he was a student and that what they did was wrong. Jason didn’t think so. So they had sex. Of course, when it was over, the tables had turned. Now older divorced teacher was very excited to be in the bed (on the floor) with a young stud like Jason. And Jason suddenly realized that the teacher was right to begin with – it was a mistake and, as it turns out, sleeping with her when he was a teenager screwed him up pretty bad.

Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll), meanwhile is busy buying clothes and having a bit of a sassy contest with the sales girl. (Sales girl was talking bad about Jason and Jessica wasn’t having it) But while Jessica continued to try on clothes a man walked in asking to pick something up. But he didn’t know a vampire was in the dressing room – he soon found out because to Jessica he smelled like the greatest thing ever. In case you’ve forgotten, that means he’s a faery. And because he smelled so strongly, he’s fully faery. He books it out of there and she chases him, but loses him when he disappears into thin air (presumably to Fae). For those who read the books, you probably know who this is. But since they didn’t introduce him officially, I’ll skip that til next week.

She runs to tell Jason all hot and excited by her encounter, and Jason tries to fake it, but just can’t. His run in with the teacher really has him thinking about how he uses sex to fill the void in his heart – something that’s probably been there since his parents died. Jessica realizes something is wrong and offers to let him talk about it. He says that he is too used to wanting to only have sex with women that it won’t work. But Jessica is, first and foremost, a good girl. So she changed into sweats and lets Jason talk it out. These two – I love them.

Vampire Freezer Secrets
After running away from Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and Sookie, Tara (Rutina Wesley) first runs into a poor girl with a flat tire. Tara comes close to eating her, but finally gains her senses and heads to Merlottes where Sam (Sam Trammell) gives her all the True Blood. Tara makes him promise not to tell Sookie and Lafayette, which he does, and then he puts her in the walk-in freezer as the sun starts to rise. When Sookie shows up at work, all it takes is about 10 seconds of reading Sam’s mind before he slips and thinks about Tara in the walk-in. So Sookie tells him what happened – about Debbie and Tara dying and Pam turning her and all of it. Sam gets it and tells Sookie he often wonders if he should have done the same thing for his brother. They hug it out and he thinks of her boobs. Obviously.

Later things get worse. Andy comes by asking Sookie about Debbie’s car being found close to her house and how close she is with Alcide (Joe Manganiello). She evades most of his suspicion, but mostly because he was preoccupied by the picture of his ass. Later that night though Alcide came to tell Sookie that Debbie was missing because he knew that could mean danger for her. He was surprised she didn’t seem too worried. She was close to having him out of there, but the sun had set, and up woke Tara to a bottle of True Blood from Lafayette. She comes storming out of the freezer to Sam, Sookie, a frightened Arlene and a confused Alcide. Tara starts telling Sookie she’s going to tell Alcide all about how she was turned into a vamp. She doesn’t though, and eventually runs away.

Sookie tells Alcide what happened and it turns out it isn’t the Sookie killing Debbie part that he’s upset about it. It’s the fact that Sookie didn’t trust him when he’s never given her reason not to. (Make out already, you two) She asks if he is going to tell, but he doesn’t answer. Meanwhile, Tara goes on a contemplative walk and sees a tanning salon. She goes in and gets into a tanning bed. To kill herself. I worry for the poor overly tan blonde chic that’s going to walk into that mess in the morning. Meanwhile, Pam hears Tara’s screams of pain and just gets pissed that her prodigy is being such an awful baby vamp.

My takeaway? I love Jessica, Pam and Vampire Mac. Everyone else I can take or leave at this point. I’m hopeful for next week though!

Written by Melissa Miller. Find her on Twitter @serrae

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