After nine long months, the people and creatures on True Blood are back on our screens. And while it’s been 9 months for us, not a single moment has passed in Bon Temps. In fact, the season premiere, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” even rewound a smidge, just in case you forgot where we left off!

The Games People (And Vampires) Play
Oh, Jason (Ryan Kwanten). Jason, Jason, Jason. You beautiful dumb boy. When we last saw him Vampire Steve Newlin (Michael McMillian) was on his front door. Why? No not to kill him for sleeping with his wife (bring back Anna Camp!) but to make a confession – he’s not just a Vampire American now. He’s a Gay Vampire American! Of course he is. And who does he love? Duh. Jason. He saw him play flag football with his shirt off, so… But Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) claimed him as hers, so off Steve goes into the night, I’m sure not gone forever. Then what do Jessica and Jason do? It. They do it. Sigh. I’m twelve. Anywho, Jason falls back into her beautiful charms, but that doesn’t do him any favors in the whole “Hoyt hates him” arena. At Merlotte’s (for my Hart of Dixie readers, I want y’all to know I just typed out The Rammer Jammer, and then remembered noooo… not that. But I miss Wade.) Hoyt sits with all of his friends and makes childish comments via coughing attacks at Jason. It’s sad and pathetic and makes me long for the days of when I loved Hoyt.

Things don’t get better for Jason. He heads to Jessica’s to, you know, but finds she is having a college party. They are playing quarters and Rock Band! He joins in and flirts with the coeds, but Jessica is busy making out with some dude, so Jason decides to leave with one of the girls. As we all know, Jason is a good guy deep down, so he tells her that he has been an ass to girls in the past and would be to her because he is in love with someone else, and just takes her home. Don’t worry Jason/Jessica lovers – Jessica didn’t seem happy to see those two leave together.

The Leader of the Pack
Last season Alcide (Joe Manganiello) killed Marcus partially because he was sleeping with Debbie. But mostly to helps Sam (Sam Trammell) and Luna (Janina Gavankar) who were in danger thanks to Marcus not being happy that his ex was dating a shifter. Knowing the pack leader is gone, members of the pack find Sam, who they think did it, and bring him to Martha (Dale Dickey). He goes along willingly to protect Luna and her daughter and he ends up telling them where they buried Marcus for the same reason. Why is he not telling them it was Alcide? Because he is a good man!!

Turns out, it didn’t matter. Luna went and found Alcide to protect her man and Alcide was more than willing to take the blame, causing some to bow to him as the new leader. Why? Because he is a good man!! The point is, Alcide and Sam are good guys. That is all I’m taking away from this story line. I’m choosing to ignore the part where we find out Martha is Marcus’s mom and then she turns into a wolf and eats dead Marcus’s insides. Because that is friggin’ gross, man.

Incest was so 2011
Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) are busy cleaning up the small genocide committed in Bill’s office including Nan and her henchman. They feel the fear in Sookie (she’s busy with that whole Debbie Pelt shooting up her kitchen thing that I’ll get to soon) but Eric is still a little pissy that she turned them both away and doesn’t want to help her. Bill goes to try as the fear in Sookie gets stronger, but it doesn’t matter because they are captured by The Authority. Okay, time out. Whenever someone says “Authority” on this show all I hear is Cartman on South Park saying “respect my authoritah!” Am I alone that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Okay, let’s move on. Bill and Eric get put in the trunk George Clooney/Jennifer Lopez style. The sexual tension is palpable. But sadly, they don’t take advantage and instead blow up the gas tank to make their escape.

When they get out they find out one of the guards transporting them is Nora (Lucy Griffiths) – Eric’s vampire sister (Godric – RIP – was also her maker). Naturally, they commence making out immediately. Hey, Alan Ball, incest was last year’s thing. Get someone a bow and arrow. Archery is the thing of 2012! Anyway, Nora has a plan to get Eric and Bill out of dodge, but not before she and big bro have sex loudly in a import container. Sigh. It’s interrupted when Alcide takes a mo to call Eric and let him know (after he told Sookie) that Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare) has gotten out of his cement grave. Still determined to leave, Bill and Eric take their new papers (Eric is now Ike Applebaum, natch) but before they can go, everyone except Bill, Eric and Nora are killed. By the Authoritah.

You guys, Noel Crane is on my TV!
Terry Bellefleur (Todd Lowe) is crazy as ever with his Iraq War buddy Patrick Devins (Scott Foley!!) staying in town. Arlene (Carrie Preston) is not happy to see her husband fall further down the rabbit hole and is just looking for some answers. But Terry does not want to talk about it. Especially once the kids tell Patrick that their old house was burned down in a fire and Patrick gives Terry the “meaningful look.” While Terry wanted to believe that the fire had to do with the very confused pretty ghost lady wanting the baby, Patrick has another feeling. It seems all the members of their little war group have had house fires, a couple even died in them. What does all of this mean, you ask??? I don’t know. I just write the recaps. I do know I want Scott Foley to stick around. I mean, if he had to leave Grey’s Anatomy, he better at least take his shirt off in Bon Temps.

Tara’s Brains and a Walmart Sweat Suit
As I’m sure you may recollect, last season ended with Debbie shooting Sookie (Anna Paquin), but Tara (Rutina Wesley) jumping in front of her and taking a bullet to the brain and then Sookie shooting Debbie dead. While Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and Sookie cry over Tara’s lifeless body, Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) comes in looking to apologize to Eric for all their fighting last season. Instead, Lafayette has other plans for her – to turn Tara. Tara may not like vampires but as far as he is concerned being a vamp is better than being dead completely. Pam takes some convincing – like the promise of favors from Sookie, but she agrees to try. Like I said, she took a bullet to the brain, people. It’s not a guarantee.

So into the ground Pam and Tara going, for the turning process. Pam is wearing one of Gran’s old outfits. From Walmart. She is not pleased. But she does it and Lafayette and Sookie are left to hang out til the sun goes back down. First, Sookie confesses that she had a choice to not shoot Debbie and call the police. But she killed her instead. You can bet that will come back and mess with her later. But there are things to do, so they clean the kitchen (that place has had so many bleachings….) and then head over to clean up Jesus who Lafayette left dead in the chair. Mysteriously he is gone. So that happened….

Laf is having a hard time. He breaks down crying out to Jesus, asking what it is he has to live for. When he gets in the shower he eyes a lady bic, making you think he may try to end it. But seriously – when has using a lady bic to cut your wrists ever worked out on TV? He just shaved off what was left of his wacky hairdo. And when he was done he interrupted Sookie almost confessing to Alcide that she killed Debbie. No, no girl. Best keep that one to yourself! We want Alcide on your side now that Russell is back!

That night they wait outside for Pam and Tara. Pam emerges, but Tara still lays there. Lafayette and Sookie cry. And cry. And cry. This is going too long, so it’s obvious where it’s going. How does every episode end? With a scream – and this time it’s Sookie screaming because Tara snaps up at super Vampire speed. And I bet she’s looking for some blood!

Oh, I forgot – Holly’s kids came home and found Holly (Lauren Bowles) and Sheriff Andy (Chris Bauer) in bed together naked. Then some guy (the mayor, maybe? I missed that) paid off Andy so his son wouldn’t get a ticket. I really have no idea where that is going….

Anyway, Tara’s a vamp! What do y’all think of that turn of events? And the rest? I wasn’t completely disappointed by the ep, but I’m curious as to where the season may be headed and hope that next week moves a bit beyond the finale of last season and steps more into what’s happening this time around.

Written by Melissa Miller. Find her on Twitter @serrae