First, it’s time to introduce the judges. Four. Three guys. One girl. Will they ever change that gender dynamic? I’m not trying to get into a feminist rant within the first minute of this recap, but it literally just occurred to me that The Voice consistently gives us three male judges, no matter how often they shake up who those judges are. (Coincidentally, they’re all been blonde. And I’ll shake my head as I give a brunette manifesto! Kidding. …Mostly.)
To be honest, if you ignore the Carson Daly narration what you have is the judges inflating each other’s ego in this introduction.
What we can look forward: A girl with perfectly pastel cotton candy pink hair. Blake Shelton in a giant Pharrell-style hat.
NBC wans to make the hashtag easy, so they went with: #WelcomeGwenandPharrell
All four of the season 7 coaches performed together at the top of the show. “You got me feeling hella good so let’s just keep on dancing.” And, I know, I know…we’re all busting out our old No Doubt tracks later, right?
The judges actually have a fun, upbeat dynamic and I enjoyed this performance. …Especially if only to see Blake Shelton sing “hella good.”
– This sweet man lost his vision in his right eye, and sang so well that all four judges turned around right away. They were thinking it would be a man because his shoes sounded like high heels. Adam Levine actually hopped up to half-crouch in his seat, almost like he … okay, he actually stood up. And he was wearing some weird, ugly bowling shirt. Not to be outdone, Pharrell stood up to applaud. Then Blake. Then Gwen. And I’m sure Adam would like to point out that he, “did it first.”
“Blake…that’s the heart and soul…” – Pharrell
“I know what to do with that voice. …All I wanna do is be your amplifier.” – Pharrell
Luke Wade goes to Team Pharrell.
There’s a promo for Chicago Fire. I’m honestly surprised it’s still on the air.
I’m well aware I keep changing from past to present tense. I’m going to try and fix that. I promise. Live blog = live, present tense. (I just hadn’t started this out AS a live blog feature.)
– She’s beautiful in every way… but Clare shakes her hands in a really funny way. Blake’s the only one who hasn’t turned. Clara’s voice is very Norah Jones – y. Personally, I think her music sounds like Levine’s alley. But I also suspect she’d get lost in his team of amazing female vocalists. (Adam gets them all.)
“It’s not about being a perfect singer.” – Gwen Stefani
“I’m like totally screwed now. I’m gonna write you a love poem.” – Adam Levine
Gwen Stefani has gotten up on the stage to do some of “I’m Just a Girl.” I’m not entirely sure why… but, some lesson about “suck(ing) them into your world.”
To follow-up Adam’s poem, Usher also had one. F$*k. The judges have stepped it up way too much already. CAN IT GET BETTER THAN THIS?
“It’s so easy, just say my name.” – Adam Levine (Anyone else make that dirty?)
Clara Hong goes to Team Adam.
– She’s moved a lot in her life. Wah wah. (No, that sucks a lot actually.) She sang “Problem” by Arianna Grande. The problem there is that she sounded a lot like Grande, but just not as good. Yikes.
Bryana Salaz goes to Team Gwen. (And Gwen has special gold and black T-shirts made. And you can BET that NBC will be selling those.)
Oh, Lord. “Like her style. Now you can buy this look at Kohls or Kohls.com.” Gross.
– I shall always remember this crying cowboy for this wise quote: “You don’t ever give up on a dream. You never know when it’ll show back up.”
No turns. Very sad. AW.
Nissan promo with Carson Daly. HOW MANY SPONSORS DO YOU HAVE?
– He works for TSA and he has a “one name” deal?! People cannot just do that. Once again, Carson Daly asked the contestant to explain a story that made them cry. (That’s kind of what this show does, eh. You’re nothing without your sob story.) All four judges turned around. Gwen hopped up on stage to hug him, because he was crying.
“What’s your name man. Tell me the definition of those tears.” – Pharrell
“What have you been doing since all the ‘no’s'”? – Gwen Stefani
Damien goes to Team Adam.
– She’d auditioned for season 6, and been turned away for pitch problems. Blake made a “don’t speak” joke to Gwen. He’d totally been waiting to say that forever, right? Yea.
“People that you wouldn’t think you would go with…sometimes that makes magic.” – Gwen Stefani (accidentally giving relationship advice.)
goes to Team Blake. Predictably. Adam Levine shall cry forever.
– She’s in a band called Party of One. Google it, I guess? Her hair is PINK. But not an ugly pink. A pastel version. It reminds me of Nicole Richie’s lavender hair. Unfortunately, even I could tell she wasn’t that good of a singer. No one turned for her.
Taylor John Williams
– He’s from Portland, so he’s automatically interesting to me. (My dream is to live there! Or at least it’s my dream today!) HE RUNS A DOG HOTEL? WHY ISN’T THIS MY LIFE? Sniff Cafe!
Taylor John Williams goes to Team Gwen.
– She sang Jewel! Who doesn’t miss Jewel? (Especially the Jewel before she kinda sold out and tried to give up folky authenticity for pop nonsense…) FOOOOOLISH GAMES. Sadly, no turns for her. Her pitch was way, way off.
“What you didn’t feel, we didn’t feel.” – Pharrell
“It’s not about our chairs…it’s about your great time.” – Pharrell
She’ll be coming back. Pharrell inspired her. He’s like…can he just be my life coach already?
James David Carter
– This country boy was the last of the night.
“Thank you for teaching me to spell ‘bananas.'” – James
The chair antics upped their ante. And Gwen stood on the back of hers, towering over Adam. (Well, momentarily.)
James David Carter goes to Team Blake. (Duh.) Adam Levine? Cries again!
Thanks for reading Small Screen Scoop. Do it again tomorrow. And for the rest of your life. Basically, I’m proposing marriage, here.