Given the title of this episode for, I was expecting… ‘ya know. But, NO! No scissoring for you!

the real l word whitney sara

Previously on The Real L Word… Kiyomi argued with Somer and her make-believe-girlfriend, Ali and took zero responsibility for the fighting. Kacy and Cori are still reeling from the death of baby Charlie. Lauren and Amanda are still… whatever. Romi and Kelsey are quietly sitting in the neighborhood coffee shop, discussing Nietzsche and Kant… as potential names for the teeny, tiny dogs they will, eventually adopt. Whitney and Sarraaaaaa are still engaged.

Whitney is nervous because today is the day that she and Sarraaaaa travel to San Jose to drop the engagement news on Sarraaaaa’s parents.

They, briefly, discuss doing a choreographed engagement dance routine, complete with jazz hands and spirit fingers, but decide against it as it would just be way too gay.

Sarraaaaa is worried, because her parents are super “traditional”, aka Adam and Eve, not Adam and Carl.

the real l word season 3

Kacy and Cori are still heartbroken over the loss of their baby girl, Charlie. They talk about how they haven’t left the house and how they’re trying to be strong, for each other.

Lauren, rocking the pink hair, and Amanda arrive in the Big Apple and are really stoked about it.

They’re crashing at Amanda’s friend’s place, which is, apparently a pit. Dog pee, EVERYWHERE. And, of course, it smells of urine. Welcome to New York!

Amanda decides to be brave and takes a shower, because she has some “errands” to run. If there’s dog pee, everywhere, CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT’S ON THAT SHOWER FLOOR?!

Amanda tells Lauren that she’ll be back, “in, like, an hour.” “I just have some errands to run.” And, by “errands”, she means banging her ex-girlfriend, and, probably getting a tetanus shot.

Hunter Valentine is on the road, heading back home to New York. Both Kiyomi and Somer talk about all of the arguments they had, while at SXSW. Somer is concerned because she and Kiyomi haven’t really resolved their issues, and that the bad blood between them might jeopardize her future with the band.

Seriously, Somer? You can do better than Hunter Valentine. You have that badass Casio keyboard, an adorable wife and you have great hair.

You’ve got that retro, Billy Squier’s baby sister, thing, going on. Start your own band, dude!

If you’re below the age of 30, chances are very good that you have no clue who Billy Squier, is. He was huge, in the 80s!

Back in San Jose, Whitney and Sarraaaaa are enjoying a nice brunch with Sarraaaaaa’s parents. Oh yes, there is wine. Lots and lots of wine.

The folks are on pins and needles, not having a clue what Sarraaaaa is about to tell them.

the real l word sara

I’m not sure Sarraaaaaa’s mom knows what a lesbian is. At one point, she says, “say anything as long as you’re not pregnant.” She probably thinks that we all just sit around, braiding each other’s hair, secretly crushing on the cute neighbor boy.

Finally, Sarraaaaa just blurts out, “she asked me to marry her.” Mom’s initial reaction is not good. She seems stunned and sad. Dad, on the other hand, seems quite chipper about it. Probably, the wine.

Mom says that she doesn’t believe in gay marriage and that, even though her family loves her, she doesn’t think they’ll come to the wedding, not even for her.

Back in New York, at the piss palace, Lauren is beginning to wonder where Amanda is. It’s been three hours, and Amanda is still out doing “errands”.

Lauren calls and leaves a message for Amanda to meet her at the bar.

Cut back to LA where Romi goes to meet Jay, for a special chat. The first thing she says to him, is, “I don’t feel like you really love me.” Jay responds with a blank stare/half smirk, kind of look. Romi continues and, I’m paraphrasing:

Romi: I just feel like you don’t worship me the way I feel that I deserve to be worshipped.

Jay: *blinks*

Romi: I can’t continue to fully give myself to you, only to have you make me feel like I’m not the be-all and end-all, queen of your universe.

Jay: *smirking and blinking*

Romi: I want you to fight, for me, Jay.

Jay: Well, if I’m not making you happy, Rom…

Aaaaad, scene!

Romi says that she’s going to stay with Kelsey, because “she knows everything about me, and she loves me.” Poor, gullible Kelsey.

Kiyomi is at Ali’s place making with the romantic gestures… candles, flowers, etc.

Because she and Ali did, pretty much, nothing but fight during the tour, Kiyomi wants to show Ali that she’s not such a big douche, and really, kind of cares about her… a little.

Of course, this makes Ali melt and go all weepy. I suspect if Kiyomi had been waiting at the door with a stale Egg McMuffin, the melty, weepy response would have been the same.

Meanwhile, a very irritable Lauren is at the bar, sending passive-aggressive text messages to Amanda…

the real l word season 3

Finally, Amanda shows up and offers up one lame apology after another, for why she’s so late. Lauren is more pissed because Amanda lied and continues to lie about where she was. But, you know, they’re just friends.

Back in San Jose, Sarraaaaa’s mom is beginning to warm up to the idea of her daughter getting gay married. Sarraaaaa says that her mom is like the Portuguese Martha Stewart. And, sure enough, mom slowly begins to take charge of the wedding plan. Yay, go mom!

Kacy and Cori decide to make a trip to the hospital to visit all of the nurses who were so kind to them, during the pregnancy. Flowers and tears all around.

There’s a Romi and Kelsey dinner scene that I fast-forwarded, through most of. Thankfully, Kelsey left her strap-on at home. In the middle of dinner, Romi actually says, “the next time I break up with you, say no.” That, right there, is all you need to know about this relationship.

Back in New York, Lamanda meet up with Amanda’s, very cute, brother for brunch, then “accidentally” encounter Kiyomi, Laura and Vero from Hunter Valentine. Lauren thinks they’re cute and invites them over.

Kiyomi and Lauren commence with the flirting while Laura, who also thinks Lauren is dreamy, sits silently and marvels at Kiyomi’s swag.

Amanda tells the story of the time she and Lauren went to get little scissors tattooed on their fingers and traumatized the tattoo lady by gay-splaining what scissoring is. Of course, as we know, Lauren is very fond of scissoring. It’s her favorite thing to do. Good for her. However, I agree with Amanda and every other lesbian I’ve ever encountered… it’s awkward.

Amanda decides to leave and go take a nap, leaving Kiyomi and Laura to fight over Lauren. As Kiyomi is the badass and irresistible to the ladies, Laura tries to come up with a sure fire way to impress Lauren.

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Laura has no game, at all. How can you be a drummer in a rock and roll band and have zero game? Dude, you’re a drummer! Drummers don’t flash their bewbz to get women!

Oh, yeah, the bra did, eventually, come off. I need a hug and lots of alcohol, right now.

Written by Xander Blue, find her on Twitter @XanxiuZ