The Real L Word Season 3 Episosde 5 Recap: “I wasn’t expecting this (or, that)”| August 10, 2012 at 10:03 AM EDT
Previously on The Real L Wor… OH! I just remembered that I have wine, downstairs! BRB. This week’s recap, brought to you by wine, caffeine and ADD. SQUIRREL!
Amanda arrives home, apparently, after having found part-time work as a Charly Baltimore impersonator, with big news.
Lauren is all, “what, what?! Tell meeee!”
Amanda looks really excited about her news. She says, “I just got off the phone with New York…” Damn, the entire state? That’s impossible! Amanda, still talking, “so, I was talking with my ex, and we’re gonna see if we can make it work.”
I fully expected Lauren to go all Hulk smash, on Amanda. But, nooo, Lauren is too cool for school, about this revelation.
During their conversation, we learn, along with Lauren, that Amanda hadn’t broken things off with her NY girlfriend, even though she’s been referring to her as her ex, all this time. Okaay.
I suspect that Lauren is, no longer, surprised when she discovers that Amanda has lied about something. This is not cool.
Also, what is the deal with New York lesbians? Claire, aka The Asian Whisperer, from last season, did the same thing. If you’re dating an East Coast lesbian, the true test of her love for you is how she reacts if she’s ever offered a reality TV show. If you get a text from her that reads, “At the airport, going to LA. Gonna be on TV. LOL.” Just assume that you dodged a bullet.
Lauren tells Amanda that she feels like she’s being lied to (she is). She asks Amanda to be sure and give her enough time to find a new roommate, if she decides to move back to New York.
Amanda is taken aback by this, and is all, “why can’t she just be happy for me?”
Meanwhile, Romi and Kelsey are preparing for their Dinah weekend…
No matter what’s going on or what the conversation is, I always feel like Kelsey has a completely different audio track, running in her head.
Romi is excited because she was asked to host some events, at Dinah, as a celesbian… even though she really enjoys penis way more than any lesbian should.
Romi spends most of this scene infantilizing Kelsey and making her re-pack all of her stuff. Also, they make a pact to stick together, all weekend, and avoid the drama. Yeah, that’s gonna happen.
Every damn conversation Romi has always seems to end up being about her. It’s really precious that she believes she’s a celebrity.
I’m really loving these two, together. Shut up, don’t judge me!
Whitney and Sarraaaaaa are at a restaurant, cuddling and waiting for Kacy and Cori to arrive. K&C talk about how it’s time for them rejoin lesbian society and that they’ve decided to pop their Dinah weekend cherry.
Naturally, Whitney and Sarraaaaa go on and on about what a horrible person Romi is and say they plan to never associate with her, as they’ve removed all negative people from their lives.
Cori is conflicted because she considers Romi to be a good friend and thinks she’s a good person. She says that she just wants to be neutral, on the Romi situation.
Back in New York, Kiyomi and Ali are arguing, of course. Kiyomi is prepping for Dinah, because her band has been asked to play a set, there.
Kiyomi seems very upset that Ali had sex with some woman and then lied about it. They have an open relationship and each are allowed to do whatever the hell they want with whoever the hell they want. This is similar to the kind of relationship I have with my next door neighbor, whom I don’t really know. I assume she’s having sex with people, and I’m okay with that.
At one point, during the argument, Kiyomi blurts out, “I don’t care if you $%^& fisted a cat, just tell me the truth!” Okay, first of all, I would care if Ali fisted a cat. Second, how is that the first place your mind goes, when trying to make a point? Apparently, for Kiyomi, her go-to analogy is animal sexual abuse. Good times.
Okay, now I’m worried about people just randomly fisting cats. This is not okay, with me. *Calls Sarah McLachlan and asks her to look into this.*
From the tone of their fight, it’s obvious that Kiyomi and Ali are in completely different relationships. Ali seems to think that it’s a real relationship while Kiyomi sees it as a non-monogamous, semi long term hookup.
Kiyomi talks about how she was super in love with a woman. And, while she was on tour, the woman got a job offer, in another state, and just took the job, while Kiyomi was still on tour. SEE?! Another New York lesbian!
Anyway, this, apparently broke Kiyomi’s heart so much that she jumped right into a complicated, non-monogamous “relationship.”
And then, Ali says, “I will continue to fight for this until you tell me to stop.” In a rare moment of clarity, Kiyomi removes Ali’s apartment key from her key ring, and leaves.
Copious scenes of the cast packing to go to Dinah, lots of people wearing skinny jeans, g-strings and hats.
Unfortunately, Somer misses her flight to California, and so the remaining members of Hunter Valentine do what any tight band would do. They leave her ass. Classy.
Romi and Kelsey arrive at the hotel in Palm Springs and attempt to check-in. The front desk dude informs her that they need to authorize $200 from her credit card for “incidentals”, IE, copious porn and the mini-bar. At this point, Romi decides to have a diva meltdown, screeching, “No, they have to take care of it. The hotel.. someone’s taking care of it.” I imagine that this is, probably, Romi’s life mantra.
Back at the dating event that Romi will be hosting, Whitney is not happy, because Romi is late. And Lauren decides to try and cause some trouble by signing up to try and win a date with Kelsey, just to irritate Romi.
At some point, Rose (season 1) magically appears and offers to pay the incidentals charge, so that Romi can get to the event. Rose will never see that $200, ever again.
A half an hour late, Romi finally arrives for the dating game, and is immediately all paranoid because, she thinks everybody is looking at her. Apparently, the participants can win a date with, either, Romi or Kelsey by answering the most questions, correctly.
Unfortunately, Lauren doesn’t know enough about Kelsey to win the date. I guess a random hook-up is not really helpful in learning anything, significant, about a person, except whether the drapes match the carpet. Amirite?
Dating game fiasco over, Lauren decides to invite Kiyomi out to a party…
Kiyomi arrives at the Encore supper club to meet-up with Whitney and Lauren.
Lauren and Kiyomi seem pretty fond of each other, which totally bothers Amanda. Amanda, throwing major shade, says, “I’ve seen Kiyomi’s persona and how she just tries to put on this aura, that she is, like, untouchable. And, I don’t like her. I think she’s a cocky, obnoxious $%#@&^$.” Alrighty, then. Somebody’s jealous.
So, Lauren and Kiyomi spend most of the night flirting with each other, and sort of making out in the bathroom.
Have you ever noticed how obnoxious other people’s flirty, sexy time talk is? This is why I don’t do it. If I’m interested in a woman, I whip out my sexy time hand puppets and work my magic. If she doesn’t call security or run screaming from the room, I know she’s a keeper.
Lauren and Kiyomi leave the bar and wind up, topless, in the hotel pool. They’re making out and still, obnoxiously, making sexy small talk.
Of course, if you’re at Dinah, and topless in the hotel pool, your next stop will be a hotel room bed.
Lauren and Kiyomi get busy to the refrains of some really annoying music. It feels like, whoever shot this scene, graduated from the Queer As Folk Film School Academy of the Obvious.
It was a very short scene, and they both kept their clothes on. I assume they had sex. Maybe lesbian hipsters have sex with their clothes on. Damn lipsters and their new-fangled sexy time ways.
Lauren heads back to her hotel room and is immediately confronted with more shade, from Amanda.
Amanda, continuously, brushes her teeth as she peppers Lauren with questions about her night with Kiyomi. Lauren is irritated by Amanda’s attitude and says it’s hypocritical of her to act this way when she, all but, abandoned Lauren when they were in New York.
After a few moments of awkwardly wandering around the hotel room, Lauren gets frustrated and leaves. Where is she going? Who knows. Maybe back to Kiyomi’s room so that they can have more fully clothed sex.
After Lauren leaves, Amanda, opines, into the mirror, that Lauren really likes Kiyomi and is totally being all defensive, about it. Yep!
Written by Xander Blue, XanxiuZ on Twitter.
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