You guys, it’s the end! A lot has happened over this season 3 of The Real L Word. I mean, granted, the show is not nearly as awesome as Honey Boo Boo, but, still!
I have no idea what the above paragraph means. Anyway…
As this episode opens, Whitney and Sarraaaaa are participating in some pre wedding chatter. The big event is two days away, and they’re beginning to feel the stress.
Whitney tells Sarraaaa, “I also think it’s weird that you’re wearing your veil, considering, in no way are you virginal.” Because, that’s what you want to do two days out from your big, fancy gay lady wedding; Remind your beloved that she’s been a wee bit whorey.
Sarraaaa says she’s wearing the veil to make a fashion statement. Because, let’s face it, no way she can pull off virginal. *cough*
Whitney receives a surprise text from her dad asking if there’s room at the wedding for two more. Yaaay, Papa Mixter is going to be at the wedding.
Back in New York, Hunter Valentine is in the midst of auditioning replacements, for Somer.
In walks Aimee, from Toronto. I’m glad that HV is not auditioning ugly girls for this gig.
So, yeah, Aimee is hot and a badass guitar player. Frankly, she seems too talented for this band, but, whatever.
NOTE TO SELF: GET A GUITAR, LEARN TO PLAY IT. ALSO, GET SOME TATTOOS. OH YEAH, AND SOME MUSICAL ABILITY.
If there is a season 4, it should just be Vero, Aimee, Lauren and Amanda sitting around talking about stuff, while wearing nothing but towels.
Ummm, Satan, is that you?
Btw, since this is the last episode of the season, all Romi content will be purely for the purposes of mocking her. Are we okay with that? Cool.
Soooo, Mephistopheles and Dusty are in a makeshift studio, strategizing on how to make her an international pop sensation. They’re all touchy-feely, and it’s gross.
They call her mom to let her know that they’ve decided to get married, and mom is all, “What?” Yeah, mom, we feel you.
Meanwhile, back at House of Lamanda, they are packing for the big move back to New York. Amanda says that she’s a wee bit hesitant about the move because she doesn’t want her ex to think that she’s moving back to be with her.
Lauren interviews: “I’m so excited to be moving back to New York. It’s just gonna be incredible to, kind of, like, relearn the city, go back to my favorite places, and do it all with my fabulous girlfriend… Kiyomi.”
Here’s the thing about this scene, the audio editing is strange. It’s very obvious that “Kiyomi” was edited onto the end of Lauren’s statement. I’m not a conspiracy theorist by any stretch, but…
Did she initially say something else? Was this just some social experiment to get Lauren a girlfriend? What about the aliens at Area 51? You do know that the government is hiding them from us, right? RIGHT?! ET invented velcro!
Mama and Papa Bettencourt arrive at Whitney and Sarraaaa’s crib, and everybody is all hugs and kisses.
Problem is, mom is still being a bit of a downer about the wedding, saying that she doesn’t think they really need to be married… even though, legally, they already are. I’m sure that Sarraaaa is very happy that mom is there, but, frankly, mom is harshing my gay lady wedding mellow.
Sarraaaa interviews: “I’m kind of a nervous wreck. It really doesn’t help that my mom is just not onboard with me getting married, and, it doesn’t help when she has to throw in little remarks like, ‘I know that you guys love each other, but why do you have to get married?’ Those things really bother me, because, it’s like, okay, I’m trying to be excited for this, but you keep breaking me down just little by little when you say these little things, that, to me don’t even need to be said.”
Cut to Corci where Cori reveals that the positive pregnancy result didn’t stick and she’s not pregnant. They, briefly, discuss the possibility of Kacy carrying a baby, then realize that that’ll never happen.
They talk about how they no longer want to be the couple trying to get pregnant. Kacy says that they want to get back to just being Kacy and Cori.
Back at Whitney and Sarraaaa’s house, it’s gay lady wedding eve, and Sarraaaa is super stressed.
Oh, goody, some wonderful person sends her a text message letting her know that Satan and Dusty are in Vegas, paying homage to the sanctity of marriage. Woot!
Sarraaa is not happy, at all. She decides to fire off a text message to Beelzebub, and let her know that “she’s an idiot.”
Sarraaaa says, “If anyone is ruining the sanctity of marriage, it is not gay people, it’s people like her who go and get married, on a whim, just because they can.”
Preach, sistah, preach!
In Vegas, Belial reads Sarraaaa’s text message to Dusty, and is all, “she’s so sweet.”
Later, she interviews that she thought Sarraaa’s text message was “incredibly mean”, and blah, blah, blah… they all hate me because I’m with a man, waaah. No, everybody hates you because you eat souls, Abaddon.
Hunter Valentine is in town for the big gay wedding.
Amanda: “When I first met Kiyomi, I actually really didn’t like her. I was like, this girl’s a dumb bitch.” “No, we’ve warmed up to each other, a lot, don’t you think so, Kiyomi?”
Kiyomi: “As much as you can warm up to an ice queen.” Hey-o!
I’m not a Kiyomi fan, but, I’m happy that she’s not taking any of Amanda’s crap.
Kiyomi says that she’s happy that Lauren is moving to New York, and, that it’s not unreasonable to want to be in the same city as the person you’re dating.
Amanda convinces everybody to leave so that Lauren and Kiyomi can have awkward sex.
I hate to be one of those people who criticizes the way other people kiss, but…
I think this technique is called, “feeding baby birds.”
It’s the night before the wedding and both moms are helping Sarraaa try on her wedding dress. Even though Mama Bettencourt is not 100% onboard, yet, she’s there supporting her daughter, and that’s pretty cool.
Not for nothing, but, Sarraaaa’s dad is Rico Suave. I think Papa Bettencourt should be cast as the new, “Most Interesting Man In The World.” No hetero.
It’s wedding day! And, even though Sarraaaa’s mom is there, being semi supportive, she says that she still wishes that Sarraaaa was getting married to a man.
Harshing my gay lady wedding mellow, Mama Bettencourt. Cut it out.
It’s a beautiful wedding, and everybody is there, including some cast members from season one.
The last five minutes of this episode inspired massive amounts of “ooohs and aahhhs” from me, because, weddings for people that, obviously, love each other are a beautiful thing. Indeed.
Written by Xander Blue, @XanxiuZ on Twitter.