Hey kids, we are almost done with this season. Woohoo! This is the second to last episode, of season 3. I’ll be honest, as much as I trash talk this show and its contestants, I think that season 3 was better than, both, season 1 and 2.
If there’s a fourth season, please, no more Romi. Not only does she make bisexuals look bad, she makes human beings look bad.
On with the recap!
Lauren, Whitney and Sarraaaaa are hanging out at a club, and wearing hats. Apparently, it’s “wear a hat, get a free lesbian” night at the local gay bar.
They all stand around discussing Lauren’s upcoming trip to New York. Whitney and Sarraaaa joke that Lauren is going to to go New York, fall in love and never come back. Lauren is all, “no, that’s not going to happen.”
“I’m starting to feel some strong feelings for Kiyomi, and I can’t wait to see her. We have a lot of things to do.”
Things, like what, Lauren? Whatever those things are, I hope it involves nakedness. Only yours, though. Also? Would you and Kiyomi please go shopping at some old, dusty book stores? Because, I really enjoy watching other people shop for old books. While naked.
*NOTE TO SELF: CHECK TO SEE IF WATCHING PEOPLE SHOP FOR OLD BOOKS IS A THING. ALSO, STOP BEING SO CREEPY.*
Back in New York, the core members of Hunter Valentine meetup at a bar to talk about showing Somer the door.
They get together, at the bar that Vero tends, to plot their sneak attack on Somer.
Vero, always the reasonable, and frankly, the nicest one wants to give Somer a chance to plead her case. But, no, Kiyomi and Laura say she’s toast.
Kiyomi interviews that the thing she’s most worried about is her friendship, with Somer. Okay.
Somer shows up at the bar all perky and happy to see everybody. She has no idea that she’s about to be Fredo’d.
Cut to what I like to call the Black hole of Vapidity and Annoyance. Romi world! She goes to visit Dusty and they hug for a really long time.
Dusty whips out his guitar and they begin to sing Romi’s song.
If I were trying to slowly kill somebody, via eardrum collapse and eventual cranial explosion, I would force them to listen to this damn song over and over and over.
Romi interviews that she loves performing and being on stage. She says, “I would just love to be able to sing and get paid to do it.”
Translation: “I have no real marketable skills and if this doesn’t work out, I may have to get a real job.”
Back in New York, at Vero’s crib, Hunter Valentine is having a very important meeting. They tell Somer that she’s no longer in the band, but that they would like her to help them finish the album. To her credit, Somer seems to want to do this.
Later, Somer interviews: “It’s not only disappointing and frustrating, but, it’s a little bit heartbreaking. It felt a little bit like an ambush.”
Kiyomi says that she could see the disappointment in Somer’s eyes and that she felt a little bad about it. Douche.
Back at the house of Tattoos and Locs, Whitney and Sarraaaa are going over their wedding to-do list and having a conversation about wearing their wedding bands. Whitney’s concerned that since they’ve yet to have the big, fancy wedding, maybe she shouldn’t be wearing her ring. Sarraaaa says that she likes seeing the ring on Whitney’s finger. Whitney continues to protest. Then, Sarraaaa gently puts her finger to Whitney’s lips, and says, “that’ll do, pig, that’ll do.”
They’re both very stressed at all of the stuff they have to get done before the big day. Whitney says that she’s a planner, and Sarraaa, not so much.
Back in NYC, Somer and Donna are out and about talking about what happened with Hunter Valentine and having babies. See, Donna is ready to do the damn thing, but Somer is reluctant. She’s concerned about how much it would cost to get pregnant, let alone actually taking care of the baby. Also, she still wants to try and do the music thing.
After a long day of practicing some awful music, Romi heads home to Kelsey. Kelsey tells her that she has a headache and that she’s been having bad dreams.
Kelsey interviews: “I really honestly think that I have premonitions. I had a dream about Jay and Romi going back to Jay. That happened. I had a dream that Romi started making music with Dusty. That happened.”
Hey Kelsey, those are not premonitions, those are certainties. If you’re dating someone like Romi, there’s a 100% chance that she will cheat on you.
Romi jokes about Kelsey’s dreams and says that they’re not real.
Back in New York, Lauren is on a love quest to see Kiyomi.
She interviews: “I have trouble staying away from Kiyomi. I have intense feelings, and I want to spend as much time with her as possible.”
Apparently, Amanda and her girlfriend weren’t getting along, so, Amanda flew back to LA. This is great for Kiyomi because Amanda won’t be there to throw shade on Layomi. Damn, that is the worst shipper name, ever. This is how I know this relationship is doomed.
Back in LA, on the day that Charlie was supposed to be born, Kacy and Cori go to the beach to mourn and say goodbye to Charlie. Heartbreaking.
More Romi stuff. She goes to visit and have dinner with her family. I don’t care.
Since Amanda has broken it off with her girlfriend, Whitney and Sarraaaa take her out on the town.
Amanda offers to help design their wedding outfits. Whitney is all, “hell yeah, do it”. Sarraaaa’s not happy about it at all. She thinks that Amanda is trying to take over.
Sarraaa says: “It’s frustrating, to me, that Amanda keeps trying to find a way to involve herself in the wedding. This wedding is very important to Whitney and I, and it has nothing to do with her, it really is none of her business. And, Amanda is bothering the $@&% out of me.”
Uh oh, I feel an argument brewing.
Sarraaa walks away, and Whitney follows to try and figure out what the problem is.
Whitney says that sometimes, a switch will flip in Sarraaa’s head and her mood totally changes. So, I guess this angry Sarraaaa is her alter ego. Not nearly as fun as Coco, though.
Anyway, Sarraaaa leaves and Whitney basically says that she can go frak herself. Yay, married life is the awesomes!
Lauren and Kiyomi are out to dinner discussing the fact that this is, technically, their first date. They talk about the meeting with Somer and that Hunter Valentine tours a lot. Kiyomi says that she doesn’t think that Lauren realizes how much they tour and that seeing each other on a regular basis might be difficult. Also, there’s the whole regional rep thing. I’m pretty sure that Lauren would not be okay with that.
Back at Casa De KacyCori, Cori comes out of the bathroom revealing a positive pregnancy test. They are, of course, very happy.
As daylight always brings clarity, Sarraaa explains why she was upset, last night. She tells Whitney that she didn’t really want to hang out with Amanda, last night. She said that as soon as Amanda arrived, she was already irritated by her.
Whitney interviews: “Amanda inserting herself was kind of the tipping point, but it wasn’t the real root cause. I think right now we’re going through a bunch of anxiety, and stress, and all the planning and life in general. It’s just a lot.”
They talk about how stressed out they are. Tears and hugs and apologies. Awww. Wait, no makeup sex? What jip.
I love these two, together. Season one Whitney and Sarraaa, not so much. But, they’ve matured and are in love. These two give me the warm and fuzzies.
At the recording studio with Romi and Dusty.
They are there to shoot the video for Romi’s stupid, horrible song. After about 12 seconds of this song, I want to go on a stabbing spree.
Let’s FAST FORWARD to when Kelsey arrives.
So, Kelsey shows up and it’s awwkaarrrd! Romi is spending all her time hanging out and chatting with Dusty. Kelsey tries to get some time with her girlfriend, and Romi’s response is if Kelsey is some homeless hobo who bum rushed a private conversation she was having with her boyfriend.
Kelsey totally gets the hint. FINALLY! She’s, understandably, upset about the inappropriateness of Romi’s behavior. She says: “Like, if I’m your girlfriend, and I’m with you, have some respect.” Exactly!
Romi doesn’t seem to understand why Kelsey is upset. Romi is all, “if you’re gonna be this way, I’m gonna ask you to leave.” And Kelsey leaves. YAY! Good for Kelsey.
Romi is an emotional black hole. No one with a soul should ever be near her.
Back in NYC, Lauren and Kiyomi come up for air long enough to go outside.
Sitting on a bench, by the water, Kiyomi asks Lauren if she wants to go steady and be monogamous and stuff. Lauren says yes. Aww, this relationship is so not going to last.
They both interview that they’ve thrown away their bachelor towels and are girlfriends. Bachelor towels? WTF?
Back at Romi’s apartment, Kelsey comes home, still upset about the stuff that happened at the video shoot. She’s all, “you can’t text me back?!” Apparently, Kelsey has been texting Romi and she hasn’t been responding. Rude!
I, for one, am glad that Kelsey finally grew a backbone and sees Romi for who and what she really is.
Kelsey tells Romi that she’s moving her stuff out and will find someplace to live. She says it’s over, done, they are not together anymore. Romi says, “fine.” Kelsey leaves and Romi immediately calls Dusty. Bleh.
Written by Xander Blue, XanxiuZ on Twitter.