Previously on The Real L Word… everybody was at Dinah. Debauchery ensued, there were lots of hookups and, hopefully, mobile free clinics, nearby. But, I kid…
The dancing and the drinking and the sexing has been going on for, what seems like, weeks when Kacy and Cori arrive.
They head out to the pool party and are met by some fans who ask about their pregnancy. Cori has to explain that they lost the baby. Cori talks about how difficult it is to talk about their loss, with strangers.
Meanwhile, back at the Lamanda suite, Lauren is busy, doing her makeup, while Amanda is hovering. Amanda just wants to make sure that Lauren knows Kiyomi’s relationship status. That Kiyomi has a girlfriend, who she lives with. And, that her girlfriend may or may not have fisted a cat, at some point in her life. I’m still waiting to hear back from Sarah McLachlan’s people, on that.
Lauren gets all lawyery and asks Amanda, “what’s your source of information?” I so wanted Amanda to respond, “Your mom. That’s my source of information.” That’s what I would have said, because I am extremely immature. But, no. Apparently, she knows some girls who know Kiyomi and they told her that she has a girlfriend, who may or may not have… Wow, the gays make the pronoun usage much more complicated.
*NOTE TO SELF: COME UP WITH SOME COOL, GAY PRONOUNS. ALSO? BUY MORE CAP‘N CRUNCH CEREAL.*
Lauren assures Amanda that she’s not one of those stupid girls who believes everything a girl tells her, and stuff.
They all have a deep, philosophical conversation about how gross it would be if Kiyomi really does have a girlfriend, back in New York. Also, that Kiyomi is kind of rad, because she has really cool hair, tattoos and that Lauren desperately wants to bone her, again.
Back at Dinah, poolside, Kacy and Cori seem miserable and out of place. They don’t seem to really want to be there, which is understandable.
Romi and Kelsey arrive and happily embrace Kacy and Cori. They sit down and Romi immediately begins to recount her horrible experience at the Dinah Dating Game.
Off in the distance, we can see Amanda, sitting at the cool kid’s table, eyeing Romi. After Romi is done talking about Romi, the foursome discuss their plans for golf, the next day. I’m sure that will be awesome because lesbians invented golf, right?
A few feet away, Lauren is suddenly possessed by an overwhelming urge to suck on Sarraaaaa’s ears.
In the olden days, this is the way strangers greeted one another. Sarraaaa really enjoyed Lauren’s ear nibbling. So much so that she asks Lauren to suck on Whitney’s ear. Of course, all the ear sucking leads to orgy talk.
Whitney tells Amanda that she’s not invited to the orgy because she has a girlfriend back in New York.
Amanda’s face says, “bitch, please.”.
Apparently, since Amanda has a girlfriend, she can’t participate in the orgy. But, Whitney is there, with her fiance, and it’s totally cool for her to make sweet, beautiful orgy love. I’m confused.
Lauren is so excited about the potential orgy action, she runs around telling everybody about it. I guess we don’t have to worry about Lauren’s vagina being dusty for much longer.
*NOTE TO SELF: START A RETRO COVER BAND CALLED “THE DUSTY VAGINAS”.*
The look on Lauren’s face, during Hunter Valentine’s performance, is the same look I get when someone offers me cookies. You could be a total stranger. Offer me cookies and I’m off to Happy Town.
Lauren says that she always thought Kiyomi was attractive, but, seeing her on stage makes her a bazillion times hotter, and makes her vagina very happy.
Back in Romi’s room, where she and Kelsey are hiding from the mean girls, Kacy and Cori come to visit. Cori has been drinking, and when she gets drunk, her alter ego, Coco, emerges. Coco likes to kiss strangers and bend people over and spank them. I need Coco’s number.
After Hunter Valentine’s gig, everybody retreats to a room filled with alcohol, food and scantily clad people.
Lauren and Kiyomi are talking and flirting with each other. Kiyomi explains that Ali is not her girlfriend and that she only lived with her for, like, a week.
They decide to take a walk outside so they can make out, in private.
Cut from Kiyomi and Lauren making out on the grass, to Kiyomi, at a club telling Laura that she has a ginormous crush on Lauren, and she doesn’t think she should hang out with her, anymore.
Laura thinks it’s awesome that Kiyomi is crushing on someone, for a change. Kiyomi says that she’s ready to really crush hard on someone, only to have them ignore her and break her heart, into a million pieces. Wait, isn’t that what spawned the Ali situation? Whatever.
Back at Lamanda’s House of Shade, Amanda is still obsessed with the fact that Lauren likes Kiyomi. She’s irritated, and wants everybody to know it. She says that this was supposed to be a single girl’s fun weekend and now Lauren is wifing up with Kiyomi, and that’s not cool.
Amanda tells Whitney that she thinks Lauren will try to bring Kiyomi back to their room for some scissoring action, and she seems repulsed by that possibility.
At the White Party, the mean girls start to trash Romi. Whitney telling Kiyomi how fake and horrible Romi is, etc. Romi can only pretend to be having a good time for so long, so, she and Kelsey leave the White Party.
Amanda seems way too interested in What Lauren and Kiyomi are doing. She’s basically telling everybody that she doesn’t like or trust Kiyomi. But, no, she’s not jealous or anything.
Tiring of Amanda bad-mouthing her, Kiyomi decides to confront her. They’re doing that thing where their facial expressions don’t match their words. Passive-aggressive smiles while calling each other names. It’s kind of awesome, to watch.
Amanda says she’s doing all of this because she doesn’t want Lauren to get hurt, and because she thinks Kiyomi is sketchy. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. That’s right, Shakespeare, bitches!
*NOTE TO SELF: LAY OFF THE COFFEE.*
Lauren and Kiyomi continue to make out at the White party until Lauren says, “I have beer in my hotel room.” Drawn by the prospect of more alcohol, they leave, heading back to Lauren’s room.
Kiyomi’s postcoital haze is disturbed by some stalkerish text messages from Ali. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret…” “Have you seen your bunny, lately?!”
Kiyomi is not happy because there’s a photo shoot scheduled and Ali will be there. She tells Vero that Ali is being difficult and she feels like the relationship is over. Kiyomi says Ali is used to them fighting and always getting back together. But, she knows it’s over. For good, this time.
Last day of Dinah, Lauren and Kiyomi are making out, when Whitney, Sarraaaaa, and Amanda show up. This does not sit well with Kiyomi, who pretends to go look for some ice, for some reason. And then, Amanda and Kiyomi go get some ice. So, these two are buddies, now? I guess the experience of getting ice, together, is a bonding one.
While Amanda and Kiyomi are gone, Lauren starts kissing everybody.
Kiyomi and Amanda walk in on the canoodling, and at first, it’s all smiles. Then, things get awkward. Kiyomi is obviously not comfortable with what’s going on. Wait, you’re in a rock band and orgies make you uncomfortable? That’s crazy talk, girl.
The fact that Kiyomi is uncomfortable seems to make Amanda really happy, tho. So, there’s that.
Finally, Kiyomi leaves. She says that she wasn’t upset, just confused as to what was going on.
It’s photo shoot day and Lauren is a little anxious, because she knows that Ali will be there. Ali arrives and she an Kiyomi, sitting next to each other, get into an epic text message breakup conversation.
Ali is still trying to hang on, but it’s over and done. Kiyomi has moved on. To Lauren.
The photo shoot commences and everybody is working their super fancy duck faces, except for Romi. Romi is in hair and makeup, crying.
She’s crying because the cool kids don’t want to hang out with her anymore, and she’s no longer welcome in the lesbian club due to her fondness for penis. I felt a little bad for Romi. A little.
Sarraaaa says that she feels really bad because she and Romi used to be close and she wants to try and clear the air.
As Lauren and Kiyomi chat and laugh with each other, Ali, creepily, peeks around a corner, watching them.
Kiyomi talks about how she really doesn’t want to hurt Ali, but it’s over. She tells Ali, “we are just not compatible.”
Back in LA, Sarraaaaa and Romi meet to try and clear the air. The meeting is adversarial from the moment they sit down. Sarraaaa tells Romi, “I don’t think that you’re the person that you were, the time that I met you.” Apparently, Romi feels the same way about Sarraaaa.
The air is definitely not being cleared. The argument escalates, they’re talking over each other, and Romi never removes her damn shades.
Listen, if I extend an olive branch to you and you sit there, looking like the Unabomber’s second cousin, I’m going to assume that you are not serious about patching things up.
Sarraaaa’s parting shots to Romi was to tell her, that nobody likes her, she has no friends and her jewelry line sucks.
They both leave, because clearing the air is never going to happen. Ever. They both say they’re hurt because they used to be such good friends, blah, blah, blah.
Kiyomi and Lauren say their Dinah goodbyes…
All I’m saying is, this is not a goodbye hug.
Written by Xander Blue, XanxiuZ on Twitter.
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