Well…. so all of that happened. I honestly just sat in awe of that entire episode, and Matt Czuchry’s smirk, so I’m not even sure what I can say at this point. But I suppose it is my duty to recap it, so here I am. To recap. Allllll of that. Okay. Take a breath. Here we go.
Eli and Stacie: Make Love, Not War
Is it wrong I just made myself a little bit sick with that heading? Oh well, let’s carry on. Eli is being called in to GLAC (Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Chicago) to discuss the war on DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act). Lots of acronyms! Who else is there? Well, Stacie Hall, nemesis of Eli, of course. He’s already in a foul mood because Alicia, gay icon extraordinaire according to Eli, sent Caitlin in her place so she could focus on Will. So when Stacie asks him out on a date for drinks, you can imagine Eli’s a bit thrown.
They go out for some apple brandy drink. All I know is there is a lot of whipped cream involved. I enjoy that the bar just gives them the whipped cream to put on themselves. All restaurants should do that. I would always get drinks that require whipped cream. But I’ve gone off track. Stacie tells Eli that she “desires him.” It’s a phrase that makes me cringe a bit- which is unfortunate as they repeat it often throughout the episode. He assumes this is some sort of ‘Art of War’ maneuver and tells her:
““The only problem with Sun Tzu? He never fought the Jews. We’re Masada baby. We don’t mess around with mind games. We use knives.”
I can’t fully explain how much I loved this answer. Sadly, Stacie liked it too and asked him to talk about Masada as she licked whipped cream off his fingers. *shudder* Let’s move on…. Eli calls Alicia into his office at work. He tells her she needs to stop treating him like her husband’s campaign manager and treat him like her superior at work. She agrees, which elicits a shocked face from Eli that delights me. Not as nice for Eli: a visit from David Lee. He is annoyed that Eli has been using Caitlin as an intern instead of taking advantage of her intellectual prowess. But Caitlin proves her worth eventually – she does some research and discovers that GLAC doesn’t want Eli to help with DOMA, they want a crisis manager to help deal with their involvement (including exchanged money) with the AT&T/T-Mobile merger. (As Alicia says, “say thank you, Eli.”)
This tidbit helps Eli get the job. And then he celebrates by having sex with Stacie…. only to discover she is helping his ex-wife with her political campaign! Snap. These two are delightfully gross together. I can’t wait for more.
Wendy Scott Carr: Crazy Smart or Just Plain Crazy?
Alright, we’ve killed enough time with the ridiculous dealings of Eli and Stacie. Now to the meat of the episode. The ham sandwich, if you will. Wendy Scott-Carr has called a grand jury. She instructs them (and us) how it works: there is no defence. Her only job is to just prove probable cause to indict Will Gardner. The grand jury, meanwhile, doodles some pretty fantastic stuff. I think they got this pool from an art class. Anyway, Diane is letting the equity partners in on the drama, but first – Alicia. Obviously, Alicia is upset and didn’t realize just how bad this is – Federal Bribery can get Will up to seven years in the clink. Can I pull off phrases like “in the clink”? Not the point – point is, Alicia is upset and feels responsible since this is coming from her husband’s office. While she goes to talk to Peter, Wendy starts calling people to the stand. First up is investigator Andrew Wiley who has some damning testimony involving Will’s win percentage with certain judges. Elsbeth Tascioni has basically said at this point, Will is going to be indicted.
Diane meets Elsbeth that morning, and her reaction to the unconventional lawyer is pretty much just like everyone else: slight dismay met with wonder. Diane is beautiful as the next up on the stand. She starts a nifty trend. Two in fact. The first is throwing Wendy Scott Carr off her game by answering in an unexpected manner. The second is mentioning Peter Florrick and his connection to so many aspects of this case. For instance: Will inviting Diane to those questionable basketball games to get closer with people like Peter Florrick. Interesting. Another trend for the episode: Cary Agos smirking and shaking his head adorably at every answer that continually messes up Wendy and shows just how smart those Lockhart/Gardner lawyers are. He loves them deep down.
But it isn’t all good stuff from Diane’s time in front of the grand jury. Wendy also brings up the McDermott case – that really bad case file that Kalinda handed over to Dana. The judge in that case – Judge Parks – is one of those judges in question. And Wendy knew a lot of information, leading Diane to believe someone is giving her information. Cut to Kalinda… Uh oh…
David Lee is next on the hot seat, but he handles it like a pro – even smiling like Elsbeth told him to. And once again, he brings up Peter Florrick and how there is just as much of an issue with conflict of interest with Peter as there is with Will. And once again, Cary is loving it from his seat on the sidelines.
Meanwhile, Peter goes to see Alicia – she said it was about Jackie, and while I’m sure she didn’t have to make up a Jackie issue to talk about, it was really about Will. Peter gets pretty upset, saying he doesn’t want to talk about that. But she doesn’t like that he’s trying to keep his hands clean at the expense of her firm… but she means Will and he knows it. Things get…. tense and don’t end well. There is mention of Alicia manipulating the truth like a pro and Peter knowing all about ‘pros.’ SNAP. Let’s just say, despite her best efforts, Alicia isn’t going to be able to get Peter to drop the grand jury like they had hoped.
When Parks gets in front of the grand jury, he takes the 5th, except to tell Cary he’s a young lad who doesn’t realize how deep this thing is. But other than that – he takes the 5th. However his eyes get huge when he finds that Cary has a picture of Will handing Parks an envelope of money the day before. Parks thinks Will is trying to set him up. Elsbeth has no idea what is going on, but since Kalinda says it isn’t illegal, she lets it go. She’s unconventional, so who is she to question it?!
Then Will gets on the stand and this is the point you can see Wendy go from kinda nuts to completely cuckoo. First she brings up Will giving Parks the money. Instead of taking the fifth, Will tells her it was a donation to UNICEF to help immunize children in Uganda. He even has a receipt! And then she asks what about these emails to Parks regarding the McDermott case? Oh, those? Well, I guess those were tampered with (by Kalinda before giving them to Dana), and Will nicely brought the real copies which were actually just sent to Diane. Cary almost bursts out laughing and Dana’s head almost explodes. She goes into the hall and smacks Kalinda. Who, let’s be honest, probably enjoyed it.
But Elsbeth said that they shouldn’t celebrate yet – this means Crazy Pants Carr is just going to take the personal route. And we know what that means…. Alicia hits the stand. Wendy starts off easy enough – asking about illegal activity and all that. And then she jumps into whether or not Alicia and Will had a sexual relationship at which point, my hero, Cary Agos, jumps up and says it is inappropriate. Wendy tells him to get out or sit down. So Alicia answers, until the point where Wendy insinuates that Alicia was sleeping with Will to get ahead at the firm. At that point she looks at Cary, who shakes his head at her/ at himself/ at the situation. I want to believe he was telling her “I’m sorry” and to suggest she do what it is she does next: get up and walk out.
Alicia, upon realizing this will become public record if Will is indicted, goes home to tell her kids about it first. But turns out that may be unnecessary. When Wendy goes to poll the grand jury, they all start asking questions: Who is Peter? Why isn’t he being indicted? Why isn’t Judge Parks being indicted? Why were we talking to Alicia about her sex life? You know, things non-crazy people would ask. So the indictment doesn’t happen, Wendy tells Peter she is going to try to have Will disbarred and Peter tells Wendy to eff off. And by that I mean he says:
“Thank you for your service. My assistant will validate your parking.”
Burrrrrn. And just as Alicia is about to spill the beans to Grace and Zach, Kalinda calls to tell her Will isn’t being indicted. So Alicia decides to take the kids on vacation instead. Oh, Alicia…. Back at the office, Will and Diane dance in celebration and my heart sings. I love them. I love all of them. Except Wendy. That girl is just straight up bat crap crazy.
How bat crap crazy? Well, we have to wait til FEBRUARY 19 to find out!!! Stupid football and music awards.
Written by Melissa Miller. Find her on Twitter @serrae