This week’s episode of The Good Wife marked the return of the always delightfully creepy Dylan Baker as Colin Sweeney. But Colin wasn’t the only one providing twists and turns in “The Long Way Home” – Caitlin, Alicia and Cary all had some changes to offer up.

the good wife
The Sex Couch
Over at the State’s Attorney’s office Peter (Chris Noth) is dealing with the issue of the day that is preventing him from becoming the next governor. This time it is a rumor on the blogosphere that someone has been fraternizing on the couch in his office. As Eli (Alan Cumming) points out, while blogs aren’t always reliable sources of information, not dealing with this particular sex-themed accusation would be bad for Peter since he has some sex-themed issues in his past. Peter puts his AUSAs on the hunt – who was having some good times in Peter’s office?

Geneva (Renee Goldsberry) finds it somewhat ironic that Cary (Matt Czuchry) is trying to hunt down someone who broke the rules by fraternizing with a co-worker considering he was sleeping with the oh-so-annoying Dana mere weeks ago. But Cary still follows through and discovers that the AUSA in questions was Jeremy who is both black and gay. Cary tries to get Peter to show him some leniency because punishing the gay guy for having sex could be seen as homophobic. But Peter say that zero-tolerance is zero-tolerance, gay or straight.

Geneva is even more annoyed by this, not because he is gay, but because he is black. Peter fired Jeremy, fired Wendy Scott Carr, demoted Dana and promoted Cary over people that have been there longer, like Geneva. She thinks Peter is a big fat racist. Cary tells her, fine then tell Peter what you know about me. But she doesn’t want to do that either. So Cary, being the amazing man that he is decides that he will tell Peter, I think as a test. Of course, Peter tries to get Cary not to tell him, and then when Cary does, he tries to ignore it. But Cary pushes and lets Peter know they broke up after she was demoted (bad form) and that someone else knows about it and demands he at least is put on leave. Oh Cary – you are perfect. And I’m wondering if somehow this is leading to Cary having more issues with Peter and eventually choosing Alicia. I don’t really think so, but I miss them together soooo much, so a girl can hope.

You can’t go home again. Or can you?
As Alicia (Juliana Margulies) is dealing with Colin Sweeney, she also gets a phone call from her kids – the building manager is there and they are being evicted. Well, not quite. The apartment building is going co-op and she has 90 days to decide if she wants to buy her place or get the heck out of there so that someone else can buy it. Of course, buying the apartment seems unlikely because it costs 1.2 million, plus the association fees and paying for the parking spot. I had a small anxiety attack on behalf of Alicia at the thought of it. So she calls her trusty realtor friend, Marina (Cady Huffman), to look at some places.

Of course, compared to her beautiful apartment, all the places she can afford are crap. So she asks Diane about getting a raise. Of course, the Sweeney thing distracts her, so Diane doesn’t answer at first. Meanwhile Marina just happens to mention that Alicia’s old house – the one where she and Peter raised their children – is up for sale and for cheap because the new owners are upside down on it. Marina even brings the folder of information over to the apartment. As we all know, I’m not always the biggest fans of Zach (Graham Phillips), and even more so, Grace (Makenzie Vega), but the looks on their faces when they thought they were moving back home…. well, it warmed my heart. Those kids have been through quite a bit and I bet they are missing the comfort of what that home represents – a happy family.

Eventually, for reasons we will get to involving Caitlin, Diane tells Alicia she and Will would discuss a raise for Alicia. So Alicia goes to her old house and goes through a wave of emotions – laughter that the doorknob on one of the bedrooms is still broken, sadness looking into the master bedroom and then when she saw that the family growth chart written on the wall of what was a mudroom or laundry room (?) was still there, she broke down. It was sweet. But I’m curious if it was sadness at what was lost, hope at it being regained or just anger at the way it was destroyed. But mostly I was curious why the new owners never painted over that. Were they holding tours of the Florrick House?

Colin Sweeney procreates via a turkey baster. (Ewwwww)
Now that the infamous Colin Sweeney is out of jail, the guy wants his company back. But to get it back from the man who took over when Colin was accused of murdering his wife, Mr. Dresher, he needs to get the stock holders votes. Being that Sweeney is a client of both the law and business ends of Lockhart and Associates (that still sounds weird to say….) things are very hectic at the offices. Alicia is, of course, handling the law stuff because Sweeney loves her and Eli is handling the business end. It was Will’s case, but as Lionel (Edward Hermann) reminds Will, he can’t consult on law stuff, just business. It leads to Caitlin (Anna Camp) and Alicia having to do a lot of fancy talking to get Will’s advice on things.

Things seem to be going well – they work out getting Sweeney all the votes he needs. As long as there is no drama. Cue the drama! Suddenly at the stockholders meeting a woman takes the mic. Isobel Swift (the gorgeous Morena Baccarin) is there to remind Sweeney of how he sexual harassed her and, you know, fathered the kid she brought along for the show. Oy. The following is a cluster of crazy. Colin gets on the stand and says the never had sex, then he admits to Alicia and Kalinda he did indeed have oral sex with her. Then he gets on the stand and says he never had any kind of sex with Isobel, oral or otherwise and there is no way he is the father of the baby. But guess what! He is! Sigh… I was pretty sure at some point Alicia was going to throw all her papers up in the air and yell, “I give up!”

Diane: And so it devolves, from hopes, ideals, dreams, the glory of the law… to a turkey baster.

What Alicia, Diane (Christine Baranski) and David (Zach Grenier) decide to argue is (and forgive me, I’ll try not to be too graphic) is that Isobel performed oral sex on Colin, kept his…. donation, and then performed artificial insemination on herself. Using a turkey baster. I can’t even begin to describe the delight of David and opposing counsel Victoria Adler (Kate Burton) trying to figure out what the new charges would be with Judge Friend (Bebe Neuwirth). It was an embarrassment of riches. Literally. Lots of embarrassment. It was also quite similar to a class discussion in the movie Legally Blonde. Perhaps someone was watching it while writing the episode?

In the end – Isobel and Colin come to an agreement and decide to raise the kid together, Colin gets his company back and everyone lives dysfunctionally ever after. Yes, Alicia, your look of horror as the happy family gets on the elevator given that we are pretty darn sure he killed his last wife is more than warranted. I don’t think this is the last we will be seeing of Colin. Though it may be the last of Isobel. Poor girl.

The Mysterious Life of Caitlin D’Arcy
I saved this for last because it was my favorite story of the night. Truly, I was as surprised as Alicia and Diane and I love the writers for pulling such a masterful bait and switch. Caitlin (Anna Camp) has quickly climbed the ranks and Lockhart & Used to be Gardner. She is smart, sassy and quite the vixen. And Alicia both loved and hated her for it. When she needed her on a case, Caitlin was always ready to go and performed so well she caught the eye of Diane and Will. Alicia was starting to feel threatened. And when Kalinda pointed out she thought Caitlin was hiding something and Alicia should watch out for her, followed by Caitlin taking credit for an idea of Alicia’s, well, it was time for Mama Bear to pounce on the cub.

Alicia gave Caitlin a stern talking to – know your place! Earn your praise! Stay away from Will, you slut! She didn’t say that part, but I like to believe it was implied. And when she gave her this talk, Caitlin was clearly hiding something she was working on. I’m not afraid to admit, I wanted Caitlin to go down! And then she told Uncle David that she was quitting – right after he saw Alicia giving her this talking to. David was MAD. And Alicia was unsure of what to do. Then Diane called her in to a meeting with Caitlin. Turns out she is quitting, but not for the reasons we thought…

She’s knocked up and getting married! Earlier, she was hiding the wedding invitations she was working on. Alicia and Diane both tried to get her to stay. Diane mentioned their fabulous maternity packages. Alicia made sure Caitlin wasn’t leaving because of something she said. Nope. She wanted none of it. She likes the law, but she loves her husband and just wants to be a mom. Wow. I truly did not see that coming. Well played, writers. Well played. Now someone get Anna Camp her own show. That woman is amazing!

Next week – Michael J. Fox and Elizabeth Reaser return to cause trouble for our dear Alicia. Yay!

Written by Melissa Miller. Find her on Twitter @serrae

Photo: CBS Television Network. John P. Filo/CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved. We hope you read our weekly reviews of The Good Wife.