What’s your favorite Archer quote? Wait…I know…I had something for this!

Cyril: I will start cooking the books.
Lana: Good thing you know how to cheat.

Archer: Idiots doing idiot things because they’re idiots.

Lana: Gestad? Count me in!
Archer: And me out. I’m not getting frost bite protecting some old German guy.
Malory: Herr Schlotz isn’t the intended victim. It’s his daughter Anka.
Archer: Who obviously needs someone on her. Constantly. I will be that someone who’s constantly on her.

Archer: She doesn’t look like she’s just turning 17.
Lana: No, she looks like she’s just turning 18.
Archer: Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system…

Anka: I’m from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.
Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

Archer: I can’t be alone. That’s when she strikes like a slutty little Ninja.

Archer: So, does this look as bad as it looks?

Anka: My hands are really burning.
Archer: Woh. That’s first degree frost bite. Too bad you don’t have big mitteny gloves like me. I can’t feel a thing in them.

Anka: Are you going to throw that in my face the rest of my life?
Archer: Yeah, all four minutes of it.

Malory: And what? You think he wanted to mind control you into loving him?
Archer: You tell me, mother. That’s your speciality!

Barry: Yours for the taking, if you are similarly mine for the taking
Lana: “Taking” as in to get this job I have to have sex with you?
Barry: Hey, those are your words. And also mine, yes.

Archer: Why do we have so many damn dolls in here?
Pam: For sexual harassment complaints so people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their bodies.
Archer: That takes like one doll.
Pam: Not if there’s ever a gang rape.

Archer: My plan is to crowd source a plan.

Malory: Sterling! Len! Either and or both? Where the hell are you? Len?
Barry: Do you know where he is?
Malory: Yes, I’m just screaming his name down the hall to celebrate that fact.

Cyril: Ever since Lana and I broke up, I take solace in food.
Archer: Well keep your chins up, all eleven of them.

Archer: Thanks, crazy.

Archer: That was like Steve McQueen and John Wu had a baby, and that baby was you, baby.

Archer: I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter about how to introduce your Mother to a hooker.

Archer: Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?

Archer: Turtlenecks. I invented the turtleneck.

Pam: I made that. It was going to be a ham cozy but then I said ‘eh.’

Malory: Why are you drinking?
Archer: It’s a party.
Malory: It’s a baby shower! For the bastard child you pumped into a filthy whore!
Archer: I’m obviously not saying now, but one of these days you’re make the best grandmother ever.

Archer: I’m definitely missing that blood. Maybe I should drink some of Cyril’s blood. Wait, what am I saying. I don’t even know his bloodtype.

Lana: He’s attacked nuclear power plants, hydroelectric dams, and whaling ships.
Archer: Whaling ships? What he’s got something against clean burning lamp oil?

Krieger: So, uh have you ever thought about having a baby?
Cheryl: Sometimes I think about adopting a little baby so I could abandon it at a mall.
Krieger: That answers my follow up question.

Archer: His name’s Gandalf and he’s not a hippie?

Archer: This must be what it’s like to have sex with me.
Lana: How could an airboat be selfish?

Krieger: Pam, if you’re dumping stuff on the street, you can also dump these.
Pam: What is it?
Krieger: Shattered dreams.

Flight Attendant: Sir, can you please find your seat?
Archer: Uh yeah, it’s right there. Can you go find some more hurricanes for me?

Cell: Mullato butts , mulatto butts.

Archer: You realize you’re in huge trouble.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: And now I have to spend my first Friday off in like forever…
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: …devising some bizarre punishment for you.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: So don’t be suprised if you find yourself eating a whole bunch of spiderwebs.

Cell: White ass mamma

Lana: What are your three biggest fears?
Archer: Getting stuck on a boat with you three times.

Archer: She gets dinner in Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and not laid. How could this get any… [alligator murmurs] LET ME FINISH… worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.

Woodhouse: One by one, the last surviving member of the double duece are being… murdered.
Archer: Oh my god…. are we out of Bloody Marys?

Woodhouse: Solider servant was the official term.

Archer: I’m obviously awesome. Maybe I would be a good father.

Archer: One lousy Lorax!

Cyril: Maybe I could kill that pesky old worm?
Pam: How you gonna do that? Disappoint it to death?

Archer: I can do baby or I can do geezer murder mystery but I can’t do both!

Woodhouse: 1,200 pounds
Archer: No one is getting killed over however much that is in real money.

Pam: The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there!
Archer: So what?
Malory: Because most secret agents don’t tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that they ARE secret agents.
Archer: Then why be one?

Pam: It could take hours for this to bypass the electronic lock.
Archer: Then I should definitely get my turtleneck.

Archer: Hello hook worms, get my in my feet. Or whatever. Some kind of worms will get in your feet.

Archer: Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: You have a shoemaker?
Archer: Do you not?

Cyril: I have one bullet left.
George Spelvin: He does?
Archer: Who am I? Count Bulletsula? Like Dracula. That was bad. Come back to me. I can do better.

Archer: Shoot him Cyril! But just him. I think the twins are warming up to me. Right? Am I getting some signals?

Archer: Dammit Cyril you said they were sexy.
Cyril: Ninjas are sexy.
George Spelvin: Right?
Cyril: Well I think so!

Archer: Everything out here wants to eat me or give me malaria.

Archer: Whichever Hepburn. She was the Queen.
Lana: Of Africa?
Archer: Yea
Lana: The White Queen of Africa?
Archer: (Rambles) Pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.

Pam: Nipple town!

Pam: Do you know who you are?
Rona Thorne: I do! I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

Archer: You’re just doing this to spite me.
Lana: And?

Cheyrl: I saw it, but I was like ‘eeeh.’

Archer: Yea, please, keep gawking at the deaf person.


Archer: Even for Lana this is over the line. She’s gonna wish I was never born.

Rona Thorne: Have you read “Unleashing the Me”?

Lana: What part of ‘highly classified’ do you not understand?
Rona: All of it!

Cheryl: Ugh, deaf people are gross.

Cyril: But I’m on my way to a sexanon meeting.

Malory: It’s a taut, sexy thriller. Or it will be. If I could get all the taut sexy bits in the right order.

Cheryl: Dick Sledge. He wouldn’t even sign my cast when I broke my own arm.

Cheryl: Ugh, a rainy day and a Monday. Talk about a downer double whammy.

Mallory: If I cared what you did on the weekend I’d stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

Lana: Wow, and this is all marzipan?

Krieger: That’ll do pigly, that’ll do.

Archer: What’s the big non-me telling secret?

Mallory: You’d think he was half fainting goat.
Krieger: Aw, goatly.

Rita: Well, if it isn’t Chet Manly.
Archer: And, as I wanna say. ..Peggy?
Rita: Rita!

Doctor: Wow. That’s uh. Yup. That’s breast cancer.

Cyril: Well, he certainly doesn’t have cancer in his fists.

Trinette: Where are you taking him?
Archer: I don’t know. What’s he into? (About the wee baby Seamus.)

Trinette: What the shit!

Cheryl: What’s cancer?

Archer: Yea, it’s like we’ve got each other backs. Right? (About back tattoos.)

Trinette: How ’bout I slip someone $100 to throw acid in your face.
Archer: It costs more than that to buy acid, Trinette.

Archer: What! I’m riddled with cancer and you want to take a vacation?!

Archer: Come on, I’ve got cancer!

Figgins: Hey, can someone water my plants?!
Cheryl: Yes. Heh. No.

Archer: They said I can eat and drink until midnight.
Mallory: Alcohol?
Archer: Uh, the stuff they use to sterilize hospitals? Pretty sure it’s okay.

Mallory: Can you take him home?
Lana: Can you not?

Archer: Lana, I’m in love with you.
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Archer: I can be both!

Archer: What the shit, Lana?

Pam: Bear claws, Mrrrawwr!

Cheryl: Oh my God, how much cancer was in him? This is so boring and forever taking.

Archer: Hello, there’s this great new thing called COASTERS.

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