“What happened to Victoria?” Well, she got drunk. So, make your own conclusions.

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In the season opener, Clare Crawley pretended to be pregnant. Photo :ABC

Juan Pablo and Clare Crawley – 1-on-1 date

She got the first rose, and the first date. Dayum! If you’re wondering which of the blondes she is, she’s the one who pretended to be pregnant. Clare has a likeable factor in that she’s beautiful but radiates a sweetness. She reminds me of Reese Witherspoon (of course, we all know she has more than one side.)

“He smells like heaven in a bottle. He smells so good.” – Clare on Juan Pablo

Blindfolded, she was led into a winter wonderland that was manufactured by snow machines. Too bad Juan Pablo didn’t tell her not to wear stilettos for this cold date. (NVM, boots appeared on her.) They were able to go sledding, and there was lots of high-pitched giggling. Even Clare laughed. (Har, har.)

The snow makes her feel ALIVE, and they both get silly. As Clare talks about being strong enough (emotionallly) we see her getting more stable on her ice skates. HEY, HIGH FIVE EDITORS, YOU TIMED IT WELL.

‘The Bachelor Behind the Scenes 2014′ Recap- Here’s what you need to know – Elise Mosca and Clare Crawley are frontrunners

They get in a hot tub, and Clare wore the perfect bikini for her body. She talked about her Dad, and the two lightly touched each other.  All the Cosmo magazines I’ve ever read told me that if a guy finds a reason to touch you (like your necklace) then he likes you. So, Clare is IN.

They kiss. They look into each other’s eyes.  It’s magic.

“You taste like snow.” That’s only cause she’s smelling snow. Sorry to use science, but I had to.

Before this date could be over, we hear live music playing. I had no idea who it was once I saw the guy, though he sounded like John Mayer. Apparently it’s Josh Krajcik and he was singing “Let Me Hold You.”

Lucy Aragon is naked a lot

Listen, girlfriend doesn’t believe in clothing. So maybe she should be on a commune or somewhere without cameras.

Kat Hurd and Juan Pablo

Surprise! It’s a private jet. They’re wearing clothing that light’s-up. And Juan Pablo is really excited that Kat has no clue what’s going on. They run to a place full of LED lights and glowing..stuff. It’s a race. A rave race. It’s the 90’s again! Or The Electric Run in Utah. I guess that. (Although, the 90’s had a great movie with Matthew Lillard called ‘SLC Punk.’ Just, to remind everyone.)

So, Kat’s first date is a 5k run. If a guy tried to make me run that far on a first date, I’d punch  him in the gut and take his wallet.

The pair are having fun, but they’re also getting sweaty and I think someone slipped them Ecstacy!

Group Date – “Say Cheese”

Chelsie is adorable. Kelly is good at eating cheese, or so she SAYS. Victoria says it might turn into a “horror” show, but I think she meant the other word. And Lucy? She flashed the camera, again. At what point does a hippie stop being cute and start seeming slutty for being naked so much?

They go into a warehouse, and for a second I think we’re going to have a ‘Storage Wars’ type date, which would be AWESOME. But it’s just a photo shoot.

A man with a blue beard explains that the photo shoot is for a charity, and their fellow models are dogs! PUPPIES. Alli says it’s like her heaven, so I like her. Lucy doesn’t like it, so that’s another reason to dislike her. So, it’s for Models and Mutts.  Because nothing says AW like weird Bestiality subtext!

Dogs are psychic, and I think I can tell some of them misstrust these girls.

Some of the outfits are cute…like a lifeguard. But…other outfits… Let’s just say that Kelly is painted like a brown dog, and has no hair. Lucy is a fire hydrant. And Elise is given two signs to wear. Meaning, she’ll be naked. Andi, too. Andi really isn’t cool with it, either. Elise switches with Lucy, which is smart. This means Lucy gets to walk down the street, naked, with a dog on a leash. ‘Cause, why not. I loved the “Old Hollywood” scene with Renee and the French Bulldog. Oh, and Juan Pablo was there, too.

It was easy for many of the girls to sneak a kiss, but it was harder for the girls dressed like fire hydrants and such.

When Andi learns that Juan Pablo is going to be naked in the picture, too, Andi seems to light up. In the end, they aren’t holding signs, but they have a dog hiding their naked bodies. Cause that’s not weird.

Victoria Lima drinks a lot of wine, and gets hammered. She explains how life is about fun and straddling “people and things.” No matter how prissy the name “Victoria” is, she can’t fool us any longer. THE LADY IS A TRAMP. She calls the Heimlich maneuver the “hymen” maneuver.

When Victoria goes to cry in the bathroom, Renee is the only one who tries to help her. I like Renee.

Lucy goes to Juan Pablo and says Victoria has lost it. Was this Lucy being nice? NO WAY. She wanted Juan Pablo to definitely see this, so that she’d never get a rose again. Juan Pablo talked to her through the bathroom stall, the way a principal would talk to a student.

The next day, Victoria and Juan talk about her “bathroom issue.” She blames it on her passionate ways.  Juan says sorry, but you gotta gooooo, cause I have a daughter and you aren’t safe. Smart move.

Rose Ceremony

Kelly gets the group date rose, so she’s safe and not needing any Xanax.

Renee Oteri

She gets her own category. She’s so sweet, and you’d think she’d be a therapist. But she’s in real estate. Still, she’s like the counselor for all the girls in the house, from helping Cassandra to Victoria. Maybe they planted her there so she could help these women not self-destruct.

ETC

Sweeties: Cassandra Ferguson, Chelsie Webster, Nikki Ferrell, Renee Oteri, Clare Crawley, Christy Hansen

Not sure about: Amy Long (who seems to be promoting her reporting skills…which aren’t great), Andi, Elise, Chantel, Lauren

Ugh: Sharleen Joynt, Lucy

Eliminated: Victoria Lima, Amy Long, Chantal O’Brien

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