Here’s your snarky recap of ‘The Bachelor’ 2014 from last night!

What happens in Miami, stays in the minds of Clare Crawley and Nikki Ferrell so they can use it for ammunition later. Just sayin’.

The Bachelor 2014 TV Recap – Miami

Location – MIAMI, Florida.

“Aye, we’re in Miami, man.” – Juan Pablo

First up? It was time to see CAMILLA. Aka “Cameeeeyah.” As though summoning a pet dog, Juan Pablo whistled to get her attention as he walked in the door. Still, she was wearing a pink bow on the side of her head so how can you not love her?

“It’s getting real.” – Juan Pablo

This time, ABC is promoting The Loews hotel, which has weird glass railings everywhere that would probalby make you feel as though you’re about to fall down into the ocean.

Sharleen, not feeling the vibe of Miami (even though at one point she wears ugly fish bone earrings – why do people think dead fish bones are so fun?) appeared with a low, side braid and a very modest polka dot dress that reminded me of Dorothy.

Juan Pablo arrived at the hotel, and gave a date card to Sharleen. She looked about as happy as someone getting a death sentence. “Seriously?” It couldn’t have been more awkward. I have to agree with Clare on this, “I don’t get it.”

Sharleen’s problem is that she needs a “cerebral connection” and she felt it was missing.

Back at the hotel, Chelsie voiced that she couldn’t figure out how they were relating. To be fair, no one can understand that. Sharleen had told Chelsie that she liked intellectual, nerdy guys. …That’s not like Juan Pablo at all. In case you were wondering, or not sure. (Grin.)

“What IS Sharleen?” – Clare Crawley

Date #1 –

Click for: Sharleen and Juan Pablo Date Recap (She’s not so bad, actually…)

Date #2 –

Click for: Nikki and Juan Pablo Date Recap (Aaagh!)

Date #3 –

For the group date, things were going to be VERY important. Getting the rose meant they would for sure have Juan Pablo come to their hometown.

Chelsie showed notes that her parents had written her, that she could read when she got homesick. It’s actually a totally genius idea, to pull out one envelope every day or something. She was really bubbly, and seemed to show how close she was with her Mom and Dad – AND how much she really got along and loved them.

Andi got all vulnerable and stuff. I was shallowly focused on her cool side fishtail braid. I need to get that on my Pinterest, man.

Because Sharleen left, Juan Pablo had one less girl he had to eliminate.

Clare got all sad about her Dad. But she turned it manipulative, telling Juan Pablo how she’d been talking to the girls last night (who all hate her – but she makes it seem like they’re all buddies) and her Dad made a video for her future husband, which she’s never even seen. It’s a sweet story, yadda yadda. But Clare? Not so sweet of a girl. I wonder if she even likes Juan Pablo as much as she thinks she does, or if she just really wants to WIN this show to prove that she’s the best/prettiest/most awesome.

At the end of the group date, Juan Pablo gave the rose to…DUN DUN DUN…Andi Dorman. (Surprising.)

Clare, of course, did not take this well. And she had to go home and hang out with Nikki. “I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jellyfish,” Clare explains to us.

Because she got the rose, Andi got to hang out with Juan Pablo that very night. It was all ast cars, short dresses, and dancing. (They were smiling, and Juan Pablo can dance, so I could almost see them as a real couple. It was a moment of weakness!)

When the girls talk, Clare says she’s disappointed and she isn’t going to be fake. Nikki calls her stupid and leaves. Chelsie and Renee basically twiddle their thumbs. Because she thinks Nikki is being smug, Clare hunts her down, and confronts her. They had an angry, nonsense conversation. Both wanted to seem like THEY were taking the high ground, but both had their claws out, too. At one point, Nikki gives her infamous, “I don’t like you, we’re never gonna be friends” line. The girls then complain about whose room it is. It’s all, did you pay for this, do you sleep in here, ETC ETC. It’s hilarious.

“Clare is like a dog…she peed on him first. She claims her territory. And the fact is that she claimed some territory that might not be hers.” – Nikki

#ManCandyMonday …an M&M commercial has Juan Pablo. Eh.

As Chelsie tries to make nice conversation (about jewelry you wear all the time – Clare wears that bar necklace, we all know that!) Nikki says she’s not sentimental and blah blah. She’s very …prickly and unfriendly.

The episode tail-spinned into Clare talking about how much she hates Nikki, and Nikki saying how much she hates Clare. And you know what I hate to admit? I agreed with Clare. I actually like Clare way more than Nikki. I like any of the women more than Nikki. Nikki is the worst of the remaining women.

Something I took in about this episode is how nice it would be to be in Miami right now. Dammit.

At the end of the episode, each woman was in a differently colored, short dress. I could critique them all, but I’m tired. Let’s just say that Clare’s was green to show how envious she was, Andi’s was ill-fitting, and Nikki’s was something even Barbie would think was tacky.

CALL-OUT ORDER

Nikki. WHAT.
Clare. OF COURSE.

It came down to Renee and Chelsie.

RENEE?

He has NO chemistry with her. THAT IS SHOCKING. I AM SHOCKED.

And, of course, Andi already has a rose.

…That was ROUGH. I love Renee, don’t get me wrong. But I think Juan Pablo only picked her because he thinks she’s a very stable, smart choice for his daughter. Not for love.

Chelsie took it with stride and grace. I really liked her.

Next week: What goes horribly wrong with Clare and Juan Pablo’s Mother? What happens with Andi in the Fantasy suite? Why does Andi leave The Bachelor?!

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