It’d be impossible to write up in detail what every Teen Choice Award 2010 winner was, and what happened when they accepted. Or maybe not so much “impossible” as boring. So, instead I’ll be telling you what was most notable about the TCA’s this year.

What ruled the awards? The Vampire Diaries, Glee, The Twilight Saga and Justin Bieber.

What did I enjoy the most? Taylor Swift. And I don’t even listen to her music.

  • Katy Perry gave an unremarkable opening performance. She was hosting the awards with the four male leads of Glee. They seemed a bit intimidated, and it made for some awkward, fumbling moments on the stage.
  • Justin Long utilized his ability to look like Justin Bieber in doing an almost-funny bit with Kristen Bell about Bieber Fever. I’m still not entirely sure why that kid is famous.
  • Channing Tatum won an award, and showed up to accept with facial hair that made him look a bit like a pedophile.
  • The Kardashian’s proved to be an odd bunch who presented an award while letting their sister “Cougar” (George Lopez) do most of the talking. Cougar is definitely the only entertaining one, and I wonder if the girls realized how badly they were being mocked. Khloe did seem to have an inkling.
  • Sandra Bullock won four different awards, and gave an acceptance speech. It’s so nice that she showed up to the awards. She’s a class act.
  • Betty White showed up to dance with Bullock. As much as I love them both, the movie The Proposal was not very good.
  • The cast of Step-Up 3D gave an inspired performance for the awards (I certainly can’t dance like that), but during commercials it was the movie Vampires Suck that was being promoted nonstop. Even with Ken Jeong, I don’t think I can make myself watch that movie.
  • Jim Parsons presented an award with Miranda Cosgrove – or rather, several awards for The Vampire Diaries. Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder and Paul Wesley were all there to accept the awards. The camera flashed to Robert Pattinson as Ian talked – presumably to see if he feels jealousy from another Vampire sensation? Yea. No clue. Why else pan to Pattinson?

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  • When Glee won for choice TV comedy, almost the entire cast was on stage. Jane Lynch accepted the award. It’s impossible not to love her. Have you heard she’ll be hosting SNL this year?
  • Justin Bieber won four awards. Which is four more than I think he deserves. But I think I am starting to see the appeal he has…it’s kind of like why I love miniature dogs. But then we had to endure a performance by this kid, and he doesn’t sing in any stunning way that makes him seem worthy of all of this attention. I’ve heard kids his age sing better. And the haircut he’s rockin’ is basically the mop-top haircut that was made popular from The Beatles in the 60’s.
  • Also promoted during the TCA’s was Glee season 1 on DVD, and Running Wilde with Keri Russell and Will Arnett. Yes to both.
  • Chris Colfer should have been the only host. He was a pro in his bits.
  • Taylor Lautner gave an acceptance speech for winning best smile – and he tried so, so, so hard to make it funny. And failed. I felt bad for him.
  • A great performance was given by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars for “Billionaire.”  Bottle that entertainment and energy and use it somehow.
  • Jimmy Fallon re-ignited my teenage crush for him.
  • Robert Pattinson gave a very interesting acceptance speech. He tried to rest the surf board down, and he carried it away under his arm. He mentioned that it was “great to win something outside of Twilight” citing reasons of consistency. Basically, he wants to know that people would like him even if he wasn’t Edward. I would. I like him despite Twilight, basically.
  • Taylor Swift proved why she’s adored in her pre-taped acceptance speech (she’s in Japan) as she “surfed” on a lake.
  • Ken Jeong dances well – why isn’t he in Step-Up 3D? Write the casting director a memo.
  • Zachary Levi wore nerd glasses, and he referenced the Double Rainbow. Epic win, right there.
  • The one time Katy Perry really seemed personable and fun was in the unscripted bit where she won an award. If only she could have been that fun the entire time.
  • Taylor Lautner beat out Robert Pattinson, and promised Ed Helms could be in his wolf pack. Though he seems bland as dry toast, he is certainly a grateful young man.
  • Wendy’s, Ford, M&M’s, and McDonald’s all heavily advertised during the awards. Yea, because what we needed was inspiration to eat more junk food.