When I started watching Start-Up’s: Silicon Valley on Bravo, I had high hopes for a smart series that would inspire me in my professional life. Instead, I felt like I was watching those idiot teenagers of Laguna Beach.

Though a few of these people exhibit actual intelligence in at least one facet of their life, mostly it’s people who have a bad idea for an app and justify their existence by slovenly trying to get older investors to give them money. The series is chock full of very little substance of what Silicon Valley should be (meaning: anything but what the show is) and mostly about entitled egomaniac morons having vendettas, cat fights, and wearing designer shoes while complaining about having no money. Wah, they’re so in debt they can hardly afford the infinity pool they built so they need to go drink $20 cocktails to complain about it. Life is so hard. You could hardly find a less likeable group of people anywhere.

Let’s take a look at the cast, listed in order of the most guilty:

GUILTY

Sarah Austin – She’s smart enough to know how to manipulate and con businesses into giving her free perks for doing very little. And her “talent” seems to be having breasts while knowing how to tweet. She’s pretty, but also pretty vapid, self-centered, annoying and over-dramatic. I’ve seen thirteen-year-old’s with better manners. It’s crazy that the Four Seasons will pay her just to take videos of stuff. She’s giving them horrible press based on her personality. She’s what Donald Trump is to Macy’s:  a big, bad-haired problem. (UPDATE: In the latest episode Sarah Austin threw a drink in the face of a guy she decided shouldn’t have gone on a date with her best frenemy. It was uncalled for. But now Randi Zuckerberg has tweeted to Sarah: “@sarahaustin Sarah, I love you in this episode. You are a strong, wonderful woman!” Yes, all strong, wonderful women get illogically jealous and throw drinks in  people’s faces. Of course. What a role model.)

Ben Way – Am I the only one willing to level a “I think you have a crush on your twin sister” accusation his way? His start-up idea with his sister seems horrible. It’s basically a life calculator that comes with some ipad sized board that will work as a scale. And, of course, you could always just use a scale. And who wants to count on an app to tell them for sure when they are going to die? Can you sue if you don’t die on time? Won’t knowing this projected outcome just bother you all the time? It seems we also already have similar programs that can judge by your daily activity and eating habits when you’ll croak.

TAKE OR LEAVE ‘EM

Hermione Way – Best described as “daffy” – she’s harmless. She needs to stop trying to make amends with Sarah. And if she wants to be a professional she should probably not fall asleep under tables during meetings.

Kim Taylor – She’s one of the people I hate because she’s being so stupid. She’s given too much of herself to a company that isn’t going to give her anything back. So then she wants to go out and be on her own, and create her own start-up. Start-up’s are great, except when people decide their career is to have one. You need to have the idea, not just try to pull something out of your ass and hope it makes you rich. Taylor is almost like a Silicon Valley groupie. She’s there and has all the non-essential skills, she has no ideas and no tech savvy but she knows how to type, look well-groomed and BS to potential investors. Her best talent is making us think she has some.

David Murray – He would be more sympathetic and likeable if he stopped sucking up to Sarah. His debt is understandable, although his app idea seems unfeasible. How do you get people to sign up to be unpaid coaches to help you lose weight or stop smoking? This app is based on the goodness of people’s generosity, which really can’t be counted on too much.

INNOCENT ENOUGH

Jay Holanda – Attractive man candy who doesn’t suffer drama. Approved. Possibly boring.

Marcus Lovingood – A fancy gay. There’s nothing wrong with that, he just hasn’t left more of an impression on me. He does seem sane and friendly, at least.

Dwight Crow – The only actual true genius on the show. Too bad his idea was so boring and uninspiring I totally forgot what it was. Car shopping or something?

Start-Ups: Silicon Valley airs Mondays at 10 PM on Bravo.

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