Carlton gets mad about what someone does to her in a dream. So you know we’re back in the crazy land of Beverly Hills. (All the botoxed, tan faces are your second clue.)

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – Season 4, Episode 13

Kim and her Crush

Kim has decided to do conventions. She talks about her different types of fans, and the ones she seems to not adore are the ones from “Escape to Witch Mountain.” She calls them the weirdo witch/alien fans. Huff! I liked her in that movie. As Kim poses and turns to the side, I see exactly how Paris Hilton will look at age 70. (I assume she’ll have even more botox than Kim does.) Kim has a reunion moment with her childhood idol crush – Jimmy someone (Jimmy McNicol). With a purple shirt, wind-swept ginger hair, and bad teeth…I’m not so impressed.

BTW, there’s no chance on earth that

The Party is Poppin’

Carlton is throwing a party. She’s going out of her way to explain how “out of the box” her parties are. And here’s a ti: there’s naked painted ladies passing out shots. As Lisa says, “everybody’s got lots of bits hanging out.” And some of those bits are sliding up and down a pole. Huzzah!

Brandi’s retro outfit is terribly cheesy so I’m embarrassed to admit that I love the nod to all things sailor. With the mass amounts of red, white and blue, I have figured out that this is a Fourth of July party.

Lisa is upset that Brandi hasn’t gone to the doctor for her hand. It’s a whole thing. Brandi says she doesn’t understand what Lisa’s motives are, except to make her, “feel like sh#t.” Okay, crazy one.

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As we see the pool and the dancers, I am reminded of the time we had weird land-mermaids rolling around near a pool in season one of ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.’

As the ladies watch the dancers, they get a taste of twerking. And Yolanda is rocking more Cleave than she has on the show ever before. She’s clearly loosening up…maybe a bit more than I’m okay with…

Mauricio doesn’t know what to talk about, so he explains how the yard should have had a huge infinity pool. His awkwardness makes me laugh.

There’s a 3-way candle in Hustler Goody Bags. This prompts Lisa to say, “Let’s be clear here, after 30 years nothing’s dripping down this stomach.”

Kyle sees Carlton’s tattoo and asks if it’s a Jewish star. But, no, it’s a pentagram. Duh.

“Bad girl. Your faith should be disappointed in you.” – Carlton

Later, Kyle gives a necklace to Carlton right off her her neck. Which is pretty sweet. As it stands, Carlton can’t get in my good graces until she treats Kyle nicely.

Kyle feeds people in the pool french fries, like they’re dolphins. Carlton does that thing with her tongue and fingers. And Joyce suspects people are having sex in the pool.

Convention time, again! You’re gonna wanna read this…

While at the convention, Kim meets a woman who has a Werepuppy. Fans bring their great-grandmothers turtle pin for her, and they all cry. I can’t imagine giving any heirloom item to any celebrity, and I’m a fan of plenty celebs! The connections aren’t personal, guys. Maybe it was a Grandmother they didn’t really like?

Art Time

Yolanda has an amazing space through the hills, over the beach. Whatever, I’m so jealous I can’t even type. ANYWAY. So there’s a big set-up of a table and chairs, and that’s where art shall be created! But do you think the ladies will take this art seriously? Yolanda is, it’s meant as a gift to Gigi (her daughter, college-bound.)

When Lisa cancels a few minutes the meeting, Yolanda gets seriously offended. A b#tchy phone call is in order.

So, when Brandi arrives they paint the squares. I’m sure they’ll be super sentimental for Gigi, who has maybe met some of these women a whopping two times.

Kyle on “Days of Our Lives”

She’s always wanted to play a cop, but she’s playing a talent agent, and did you know she and Kim were acting before they could read, and did you know Kathy had a dream of being an actress and BLAH BLAH BLAH, this is a lot of talk.

In the make-up chair, Kyle namedrops that she was on ‘E.R.’ and talks about George Clooney. Subtle stuff.

Carlton is over-sensitive (And just crazy)

So, every time she can find the chance, Carlton decides to get offended. For instance, Joyce says she doesn’t want some wine but that they should ask Brandi when she gets there. Because, hey, she might want wine. Carlton says she’s labeling Brandi, and it’s wrong to be judgmental. UH.

Carlton has a dream that Kyle is talking about her behind her back, so she asks the group if they’ve heard anything. BECAUSE OF A DREAM. (Dreams are powerful. But it’s pretty obvious that Carlton was worried about this and she manifested this worry in her dreams.

“I think God looks like a muppet with an orange face and a black hat.” – Brandi, who worships a Halloween Elf as her God

Carlton threatens to put a spell on Joyce, and that night Joyce’s husband got sick. Ugh. DRAMZ TO COME.

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