The majority of Jersey Shore last night involved a storyline about Snooki’s UTI and how she kept accidentally wetting herself. This is the TV America is watching. (We’re just as guilty as you, don’t worry.)

Ultimate Tan Institute

Snooki may or may not have a UTI. She knows this because she has to pee all of the time, and she’s had them before so she knows what they’re like. The pee saga was carried throughout the episode and is broken down into three highlights:

1) Snooki pee’s while dancing at the club. In the bathroom, Snooki sprays herself with perfume. We hear an exchange between her and Deena that goes, “Don’t wash your hands.” “Yea, I don’t ever.” Um?

2.) Snooki pee’s outside on the deck, then covers up her urine splotch with some underwear. Classy. (Snooki and Deena also can’t find glasses so they drink out of bowls, so Pauly D makes a comment about them being like pets. It’s astute.)

“I’m wearing two underwears right now.”

3.) Snooki’s Dady, Andy, arrives and she tells him she has an UTI and he needs to get her cranberry juice. And since he’s going, she tells him to buy JWoww some eyelashes. Bonus: Snooki wants you to know that UTI doesn’t mean “Ultimate Tan Institute.” Dammit.

Deena wanted some appreciation for her “genius” idea of making a pair of underwear that said “I Jersey Turnpike All Night” that she could wear while doing the Jersey Turnpike. Sammi’s only comment was to agree that Deena’s ass was big enough for all the words.

Mike is Like a Sorority Girl

On a day when all three are day drunk, Mike, Snooki and Deena get in a cab together. Snooks and Deena decide they’re not mad at Mike anymore (Deena mostly follows Snooki’s lead) and they bond. Snooki gives Mike advice on sticking up for himself. Mike takes this to mean something deep, and he is paranoid enough to suspect someone is plotting against him. He decides it’s just Pauly D, and then he thinks maybe it’s all of the guys. This is not helped by Ron’s comments that Mike is a terrorist ready to blow up the house. Talk about a powerful earworm.

Mike is drunk and overly-emotional as he keeps apologizing to everyone, saying how he’s always nice to everyone. He does this while his pants are undone and his penis is hanging out. The show blurred it out, and he was too drunk to notice. JWoww tried not to look, but couldn’t stop laughing. The rest of the people were either too drunk, or too weirded out to say anything.

The next day Mike is sober and Deena says that Snooki was drunk so it wasn’t a big deal. More than that, viewers realize that Snooki wasn’t trying to do anything in particular. (Hey, we’ll defend Snooki when we have to.) But Mike decides he was getting played, and uses this as the fuel to retaliate against her, which he was just waiting to do. A call to The Unit is once again placed.

Instead of a will they/won’t they, it’s a case of did they/didn’t they when it comes to Snooki and Mike The Situation. What do you think? They totally did, right? But I’m sick of Mike trying to shame Snooki into admitting it. No one cares, and if Jionni is dumb enough to think it didn’t happen, then that’s on him. He was already warned.

JWoww is a Boring Jersey Snore

JWoww can’t get in touch with her boyfriend, Roger. Mike see’s him hanging out on the boardwalk and lets her know. She’s pissed. In the meantime, she calls up her personal hairdresses, Dina, to put in some crazy extentions. It’s vital.

She’s much too super skinny, but JWoww is otherwise too stable and normal to be entertaining. It’d be nice to see a single Jenni on the show.

Bunny Love

Snooki wore her bunny costume again, jumping out at people and then humping them. She later talked to the camera, “I’m a f#*king bunny from Brittan and I have no idea what goes on when it comes to f#@king guideos.” Surprisingly, Snooki does a good British accent. IS this clip on youtube yet?

Warm Beer

The gang decides to play the game warm beer, which involves Ronnie tricking Snooki and getting soot all over her face. It’s an actual, sweet moment where the group is all bonding.