Ready for the first Jersey Shore review for season 4? The premiere episode kicks off with Snooki getting her passport photo taken cause the shore are GOING TO ITALIA!! Well hopefully they’ll get there as Snooki muses ‘Italy’s that big country…no wait, Europe is that big country! and then you have like Britain in there, and England and…Italy!” Oh Snooks, I’ve missed you.

ANNNND here come the opening credits so get ready to GET CRAZY GET WILD!

We’re in Rhode Island with Pauly D spinning the wheels of steel and getting ready for Italy! He’s making sure he’s got the international plug so his hair can get did in Italy. Now we’re with Deena, going over the lingo (except she starts speaking spanish) She’s going over her game plan for smushing in Italy, she’ll bring a guy home but won’t ‘do sex’ straight away…but maybe she’ll ‘do sex’. Glad we have that clarified.

Vinny wants to master the language, mainly ‘No Grenades’ and ‘DTF’. Also, Vinny now has a beard…THE GAME HAS BEEN CHANGED.

Snooki has a boyfriend of six months, and he is a little nervous of her going to Italy. Yeah, he should be but Snooks says she’s not going to be an idiot and eff this up, I hope so. Snooks doesn’t know where Italy is, but knows its in a shape of a boot, hey I guess thats the same for most people.

These guys seem to be getting their passport photos a little late in the day. Here in merry old England it takes AGES to get a passport so I can only imagine in the US it takes that long or longer. This may be all for show…good god what has the Shore come to, a fake edited together ‘reality show’, never i say! Anyway, the Sitch is posing for his passport photos, getting his abs out which I am sure is not regulation for passport photos but whatevs (hey maybe he’ll get stuck at customs, fingers crossed, I’m still not the biggest fan of Mike)

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JWoww is still with Roger (yay!) and she doesn’t think that they make guys like Roger in Italy so she thinks she’s good, I hope so cause I like Roger.

And SINGLE RONNIE IS BACK and he’s hitting Italy. He’s looking for a fresh start in Italy and there’s going to be no Sammi and Ron drama (please let this be true.) Ron Ron is chilling with his boys who plead with him not to get back together with Sammi and start crying all over the place. It’s true for such a juice head gorilla, the boy sure lets his sensitive side out.

Sammi’s motto for Italy is to not sit at home cry, lay in my bed, be miserable and not sulk in my own sorrows, (thats a bit long for a snappy and catchy motto). Sammi thinks that enough time has passed between her and Ron and that they’ll just be friends. Please, PLEASE, let this be true.

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The girls are going to have a slumber party at Deenas before they leave and then its a race between the guys and gals to get to Italy first and of course bag the best beds.

Vinny’s job numero uno (is that italian?) when he gets to Italy is to find out the age of consent, his Uncle Nino chimes in with this sage piece of advice “if they have hair you’re good to go”…wonderful. The boys are getting together at Vinnys for some good food and some good family times. Game plan is to eat a lot, learn some Italian and figure out the plan for Italy.

Snooki has ‘eight friggin’ bags’ and Deena asks the important question ‘who the hell is going to be carrying your bags’, true Deenz, true.

And they’re off to ITALIAAAAAAA, well the airport and then Italy…Yeah BUDDY.

The boys have a layover in Madrid and the girls have a layover in Germany. The girls have a fun time saying ‘Dusseldorf’, cause you know its a funny word.

The s

Shore are back in the motherland, and I’m sure the motherland is very happy about this. The girls have landed in Milan (not quite Florence) and JWoww’s bronzer can has exploded leaving her with only eight now, which in her world will only last her ten days. Snooki has piled her luggage cart high with her EIGHT suitcases and cannot see where she is going. This will be sure to lead to hilarity…wait for it…and its Deena who’s fallen, her battle with gravity continues on in Italy. The girls are running for the bus to Florence and wonder if the boys are having these problems.

Cut to the boys landing in Florence, so they’re a few steps ahead of the girls already. They’re getting a cab to the house, CABS IS HERE and pretty much one cab is taken up with Sitch’s 9 suitcases, seriously, do they need this much…

The girls are stuck in traffic on the bus and morale is low while the boys are driving through Florence admiring the beauty and they haven’t even found the ladies yet, the boys are being cultural!!

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The new shore house is big and beautiful. These guys have gone up in the world. BIG TIME YEAH, and there is a jacuzzi inside the house. Vinny and Pauly D are roomies, Sitch and Ron Ron are roomies. Vinny explores the bathroom and discovers the biday (biday to you good sir), these kids are getting classy.

The girls arrive now and are terrified by the two flights of the stairs plus their language, yeah you should be. Everyone’s reunited and it’s all sweet and loving between everyone, this won’t last for long because Sammi and Ron Ron are in the same room. I kid, but still its a little tense because Sammi realises that Ron Ron is looking rather good at the moment.

They all struggle with the bags upstairs turning it into a fun game of lets make it sound like we’re all having sex, ah man these guys. The room situation comes to light and Deena is thrown in (well, not literally) with Vinny and Pauly D. Deena ponders maybe friends with benefits with Pauly D, let’s see this unfurl.

The gang toast over shots of limoncello. Cheers to another good time.

CRISIS, Pauly D’s blow dryer has burnt out. Now everyone is FREAKING OUT about their various appliances, Deena (yes Deena) seems to know what voltage it needs to be. DON’T WORRY GUYS Pauly’s blow dryer is working again.

Everyone’s hanging out in the living room, Ron Ron sits down and breaks the chair. This is Pauly’s best day of his life for this reason alone, oh I love you Pauly.

The shore hits Florence for an explore and find a ferris wheel, well actually its a carousel, but whatevs. They start to get a little lost, all these old church type streets full of culture start to look the same after a while, know what I’m sayin’.

Eventually, they make it home and talk turns to who’s single and who’s not. Mike is surprised to learn that Snooki is not single, someone wanted to get it in didn’t they Mike. Snooki is literally taken aback from Mike’s interest, saying “it’s weird”, yup.

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Ron Ron is getting drunk by himself and ignoring Sammi and she’s ignoring Ron Ron. Hey, at least they’re not fighting.

Next day in Florence and Pauly D wakes up everyone with this horn he’s found called the Grenade Horn because they need to GTL. They realise they don’t know where anything is or where they are, good times. Pauly and Snooki can drive stick (yeah they can) so they’re the only ones driving, this can’t end well. I am scared for them. ‘What does this sign mean?’ and ‘that’s a red light you know’ doesn’t fill me with much confidence.

The girls head back to the house after getting lost, they’re chilling out on the patio when some pigeons fly in. Deena doesn’t do birds, ‘who flies that close?’, erm birds?

The boys find the gym and hit it. They meet Luigi who becomes their Mr. Myagi, its a beautiful relationship.

Everyone is at the house and Snooki starts working out in the house, walking up and down all the stairs and doing pelvic thrusts in the living room. Vinny walks over to pelvically thrusting Snooki and stands over her in just a towel, Snook gets an eyeful, its just like old times!

They’re finally going out but how are they ever going to replace Karma? The girls are having trouble with the outlets and blowing out the appliances. The straigteners are burning off hair, things are going down.

Sitch and Ron Ron are having a quiet convo outside and Sitch says to Ron Ron that what he’s about to say Ron Ron can’t tell anybody (do these people not realise they ARE ON TV??). Anyway, apparently Sitch and Snooks hooked up over the break, when Snooks had the boyfriend. Ron Ron doesn’t believe it.

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Vinny struggles to order a taxi so hopefully cabs is here. Everyone is pumped for the night out, I can’t wait and I’m sitting here just watching it.

Deena rocks out with a super pumped up bra, Pauly D jokes that if Deena’s boobs could take they’d say “I’m a good time, I’m a blast in a bra”, yeah they would.

Pauly’s figured out how to say CABS IS HERE in Italian and they are off to to the club. YEAH BUDDY.

Everyone’s getting down, Deena is trying to communicate with the Italians which means a lot of hand motions and shaking of the butt, work it girl.

Sitch finds a girl and has to use Vinny as a translator. You could work this to your advantage, Vin dawg.

Ron Ron just wants to dance and everyone is loving Single Ronnie. Sitch starts to upset the party by coming onto Snooks. Everyone is like what the eff is he doing, right?! Snooki is trying to say no, Sitch is looking creepy as. But everyone is having a hella good night and Pauly and Deena kiss, Deena really wants this but Pauly is druuunk. We’ll see how this goes down next episode, ITALIA BITCHES.

Written by Polly Holton. Find her on Twitter @pollyrocket

Read Small Screen Scoop for the weekly Jersey Shore season 4 review, and more.

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