It’s Team Sober, Bitches!

jersey shore season 3

It’s a recurring theme, but tonight’s Jersey Shore was filled with a whole lot of the pot calling the kettle tan, oh – and some sweet, sweet revenge.

After a few episodes of depressed Ronnie, we start the episode with the new and improved Ron Ron Juice-drinking Ronnie (this surely should be trademarked by now). Cracking jokes with Pauly D and Vinny in the kitchen, he is blending away happily until Sammi walks inside the house. Ron Ron’s face drops, things are awkward, and he walks off outside, leaving Sammi to greet the rest of the house. And she’s obviously staring after Ron Ron whose exist was accompanied by appropriately angsty music. Vinny voices a question I have thought often while watching the shore, “Am I dreaming or am I awake?” It’s safe to say we’d all like an answer to that one, Vin. The boys and the girls separate and discuss Sammi’s return. The girls are ‘hestatic’, (which Deena informs us means when you’re super happy and just like, really happy!) while the boys are worried that the fighting will start again. Ron Ron just looks shellshocked.

We all go back into the kitchen and we have the first conversation between Ron Ron and Sammi –  it is a zinger. Sammi’s first words are ‘You look pale’ and Ron Ron replies, quite wittily I might add, that it’s because he has just seen a ghost. Ron Ron wins this battle of the wits as all Sammi can do is be pale.

And then it’s T-SHIRT TIME! It’s hairspray everywhere as our favourite guidos and guidettes get ready for Karma. While getting ready, Snooki cuddles up to Vinny asking if can they cuddle later if he doesn’t bring a girl back. Vinny says yes, but also clearly sees this as permission to bring a girl back. We can all see where that one is going. Then it’s off to Karma.

The time at Karma is spent with lots of close ups of Ron Ron staring after Sammi to an emotastic soundtrack (anyone else just thinking of 30 Rock whenever this happens?) Ron Ron is trying way too hard to suck up to Sammi, who is staying nonchalant and not giving him any chances, so Ron Ron ends up going home on his own. Sammi is left with a drunk Snooki, who just wants to go home with Vinny. Snooki drunkenly slurs “if he brings someone home, I’m going to kill myself.” Cut to Vinny talking to a Dominican girl, who he brings home.

Back to the house, Vinny and Pauly take their respective girls to their bedroom to get it in. Snooki and Sammi come back intent on seeing what’s going on in the (m)VP bedroom. Ron Ron follows bro code and averts the impending cock block, only to get an earful from Sammi about how all guys are pigs. Snooki goes to bed and cries herself to sleep, which Vinny seems to be genuinely upset about, but points out that Snooki hooked up with Gianni only a few days ago. Thankfully, MTV interjects this with some lightheartedness courtesy of JWoww and Deena walking home and JW popping a squat behind some cars, but don’t worry, Deena has a napkin, (though JW did manage to pee on Deena’s foot)

It’s the next day, and Snooki’s hungover. But the rest of the shoremates go bowling. As they leave the house, someone asks who’s driving. Deena replies that she is, adding that ‘I’m actually a good driver’. Unsurprisingly, next we have a sequence of Deena driving badly while her passengers are scared for their lives. At one point the red bull spills, but don’t worry guys, Deena may have a napkin.

They came, they bowled, they left, though JWoww managed to get a ‘blue balls’ pun in and we find out Pauly D has a catchphrase for a strike. What can’t this man turn into Jersey Shore catchphrase gold?

When they come back, Snooki and JWoww have a heart to heart about Snooki’s outburst the previous night and whether or not she really has feelings for Vinny. Snooks says she feels embarrassed and stupid, I’m inclined to agree with her.

Remember the clogged bathroom from last week? IT’S BACK AND IT’S BIGGER! The boys decide to investigate which is summed up by Pauly D yelling “What is that?” They finally decide to do something about it and call Danny “The Landlord” (note the quotation marks). He says it’s a Sunday night so nothing can be done until tomorrow. Dun dun dun.

Hey, it’s tomorrow! It’s 11.30, plumber’s here! Snooki takes a shining to one, of course, and just hangs around while they unclog the seemingly uncloggable. PLOT TWIST, they find a tee that someone tried to flush down belonging to one of the boys. JWoww and Snooki decide that it is Vinny because it is a small (aw). They confront him, Pauly D pulls bro code and backs up his bro saying it was probably aliens. If I can use that excuse, I’d like to use it for a lot of the happenings at the Shore, it seems like a good one. Snooki cleans the bathroom, possibly clogging the toilet again, and the balance has been restored.

That night Team Sober (Ron Ron, Sammi and Snooki) stay in and prank Sitch, while Sitch and the rest go out to some dirty bar – complete with beer goggles. Sitch asks the girl he is with for ID to prove she is 21, she has some but its from “back when my hair was blonde.” Riiiight. Sitch takes the girl home though little does he know what Team Sober have in store for him. Sitch’s bed has now been filled with assorted cheeses and red peppers by Team Sober, revenge for sending Snooki and Deena to the big city. It’s Team Sober, Bitch!

The next morning, Sitch tells the rest of the group about the girl last night. He couldn’t hook up with her because she smelt like grated cheese, and there are knowing looks from Team Sober. The rest of the group is informed about the prank, and JWoww teases that Sitch may have caught something. “it won’t be long til mike’s d–k falls off,” she muses.

Sitch says that’s impossible because all she did was give him some knowledge. JWoww is shocked that Sitch doesn’t realise that you can still catch things doing that. So they call the doctor. I’d like to take a second to note how amazing it is they seem to have some kind of doctor on call for the Jersey Shore, their health insurance must be excellent.

We end with Vinny and Snooki reconciling. Vinny romantically asks “so I can keep on smashing girls?” and Snooki replies that he can, as long as she doesn’t see. The foundations for a strong relationship, I see no problems arising there.

That’s it for this week, come back for more at the Jersey Shore. Do it for the kids.

Quote of the week – “I think we’re all gonna be sober (momentary look of fear) and hang out tonight for the first time, like, ever!” Sammi (Team Sober)

And remember, Deena always has a napkin.

Written by Polly Holton. Find her on Twitter @pollyrockett

Photo: MTV

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