Tonight on the “Great American Road Trip,” I have some severe flashbacks to the Amazing Race Season That Shall Not Be Named. Yikes.
We kick things off at Wrigley Field, which is right next door to my apartment. The Pollards are from Alabama and like guns, apparently. Shocker. The Ricos are the Mexican Griswolds. The DiSalvatores are New Yorkers and the dad really cares about his hair. The Favereys are from Long Island and seem boring. The Montgomerys are Californians and look super wholesome. The Cootes are, surprisingly, from Illinois and have a very rambunctious son (I had them pegged for Kentucky). The Katzenbergs are from Connecticut and are wealthy.
The prize is $100,000. Silvio DiSalvatore is very excited about that. Visions of hair products are dancing in his head. The families get their RVs, which are totally awesome. They are decorated specifically for each family. Mrs. Katzenberg shows off her 7 carat engagement ring. Mmm hmm.
Springfield is the first stop, though several families can’t even get their RVs started. Mrs. Pollard has on so much makeup I’m afraid she’ll melt in the Chicago heat. Coote Junior is already being obnoxious, shouting out the window at passersby.
The DiSalvatores fight, the Katzenbergs think they’re the best, and the Favereys are puttering along while they kids whine about if they’re there yet. Sigh. At the campsight, Amie Pollard and Silvio DiSalvatore come together over colloquialisms like “y’all” and “yous.” Everything is all hunky-dory the first night.
The first challenge takes them to downtown Springfield, where they learn they have two challenges. The King of the Road challenge is for a prize but the bottom 3 have to compete in the End of the Road challenge, where they have to sing like Boyz II Men. No, they just have to compete in something and if they lose they go home.
The first challenge is an obstacle course with all these politics metaphors that make me cringe. Someone has to wear a giant president head and carry votes through a reflecting pool, a cabinet, a rose garden and some red tape. Har har. Amie Pollard from Alabama is really excited to get Bush. Offff course she is. I have to commend the show for not giving Obama to the black family.
The Cootes lag back in order to load more votes (because it’s not a race, it’s about total number of votes). However, they forgot that there is a 3-minute time limit. They ultimately make it in time, but one of the DiSalvatores gets all mad because they think the Cootes cheated. The Cootes in fact used a very effective shirt-holding strategy and Mama DiSalva is quick to apologize and admit that she was wrong. However, Mama Coote is a total bitch about it because she thinks it was classless to call them out like that.
I would’ve called them out. Nobody cheats when I’m around. I then would’ve apologized and said I was wrong. Mama Coote needs to pull the stick out of her ass.
The winning family with 67 votes are, ultimately, the Cootes and they win a family dinner on the Mississippi River. The Bottom 3 are the Montgomerys with 27 votes, the Favereys with 26 and the Katzenberg family with 19 votes. Daughter Katz has a little fit about it. Yeah, money isn’t everything, is it, Hamptons Girl? I really hope the Katz or the Favereys go home, they are all obnoxious. The Montgomerys are the only cool ones.
The families take off for the Chain of Rocks Bridge in St. Louis. On the way, the Katzs lament the fact that they lost can’t follow simple directions about the challenge. The Faverey children fight over some gummi worms. Wow, they are obnoxious, especially the girl. What a whiny brat. She’s, like, having an episode. Man, she needs to be smacked.
At the camp for the night, Mama DiSalva apologizes again to the Cootes but they continue to be assholes about being accused of cheating. Oh, grow up. Their prize is to ride a firetruck on a bridge and eat dinner. The son is really creeping me out with his voice, what is he, Pugsley Addams? Also, someone remarks, “Whoa, this is the border?!?!” You’re FROM CHICAGO. Do you not know the Mississippi River divides Illinois from Missouri? Jeesus.
End of the Road Challenge. The families have to roll a giant hamster ball across a finish line. The ball is tethered to the start, though, and you only have enough rope if you take a specific route through some giant croquet wickets that look lik mini St. Louis Arches.
The Favereys start out and their crazy daughter is inside the ball. My boyfriend remarks, “Push that little [bleep] in the river.” They don’t pick the right route and start screaming at each other. This is… kind of uncomfortable to watch. The Faverey Spawn are really obnoxious and you know who I blame for obnoxious kids? Parents. Their time is 15:52.
The Katzenbergs are up next. Daughter Katz is not happy about being inside the ball. They don’t choose the right route either, though Daughter Katz has the right idea and no one will listen to her. The Katzs don’t realize they are wrong nearly as soon as the Favereys and it takes them 41:50. Wow. Maybe they just got confused on which challenge was a race and which one wasn’t. By the way, Mama Katzenberg’s name is Hillary but it’s spelled “Hyleri.” That borders on child abuse.
The Montgomerys are effing studmuffins and finish in like 30 seconds. It’s actually 2:24, but still. Bye bye Katzenbergs! Don’t let the door hitcha on that giant diamond ring on your way back to Connecticut.