Everyone spun stories in “The Big Sleep No More.” Most were false. But the worst storytelling of all? The jacked up storylines on Gossip Girl right now.

gossip girl charlie

Gossip Girl “The Big Sleep No More” Review

The highlight of “The Big Sleep No More” was Kaylee Defer‘s sparkly gold dress that she wore as Charlie, while trying to illude her past as Ivy. Most of the tension in this Gossip Girl season 5 episode revolved around when Charlie’s big secret would be outed. Hey, sweeps week demands it! While it’s fun to see how Charlie tries to survive with her secret, once she’s been outed I don’t think there will be a ton of appeal to this character. Dare I say it, but I miss Vanessa, Jenny and Eric. I’m loyal that way. Plus, I always type Kaylee Defer as Kaydee Defer and I don’t think I’ll ever get it right.

The Blair/Chuck/Dorota plot was nice because there was no Louis. But I miss seeing Blair interacting with Serena and Dan and even her own mother. Serena was a pawn in Diana’s game, and she’s just not smart enough to see it. Maybe I’m too hard on Serena, but she’s a New Yorker- right? Shouldn’t she be used to everyone having an agenda and vendetta and so forth?

Since I mentioned Diana, let’s get her part over with. Her boss is apparently Nate’s Grandfather. We don’t know why they want Serena on board, but apparently Diana’s task was to put Nate back on the right path and become respectable again. …Seriously? So the way you all agreed to do that was have Nate ditch the other job offer he had in the first episode (working for a senator or something boring but prestigious) and take a job offer at a sleazy tabloid website where he sleeps with his controlling cougar of a girlfriend? Yea, that sounds like the best way to make Nate respectable.

Diana’s character is annoying because she seems like one of those mean girls in high school that didn’t have a life after graduation.

Finally we got some originality from Gossip Girl (and TV plots in general) by having not a party, but an interactive play experience. I don’t know what they called it, but it was Macbeth and everyone wore masks. Granted, the masks were kind of hideous and I have a hard time thinking fashionistas like Blair and Serena would willingly cover their faces with something so ugly.

Dorota enabled the Blair/Chuck plot to keep going so that Chuck is a good guy even when he acts bad to trick Blair. We know that Blair and Chuck is inevitable and that Blair will not have a long marriage to Louis. Stop dragging it out. It’s very clever storytelling, but it’s kind of a cheat to be like “oh, Chuck only kissed Blair because Dorota asked him to.” Blair was whoring herself out to Chuck and practically forcing him to kiss her, so I don’t know how she could blame him anyway. And Dorota sees that Blair is unconsciously still in love with Chuck and looking for any way to have him tell her she shouldn’t marry Louis. I know that Blair doesn’t love Louis. What I don’t know is how the baby issue will be dealt with. I can’t really imagine Blair with a child. Will she miscarry?

Another question is an issue of continuity. I could have sworn that in the first episode of season 5, Ivy tells her boyfriend Max, Serena’s name. And Serena isn’t a hugely common name. So when Max goes looking for Ivy and runs into someone named Serena, a name he’s heard Ivy say… I figured the jig was up. But the episode played out that Max had no clue about who Serena was.

I’m totally ready for Gossip Girl season 5 to uh, start getting good now. Anytime. I’ll wait.

Misc Notes

  • “Chuck fauxlanthropy” – Blair
  • Chuck has become a man of the 40’s. How do I know? He gives his dog a daily “constitutional” and jaunted away. (Definition: a walk.)
  • Blair still has Audrey Hepburn dreams. This time it was Sabrina. But Leighton had bad acting here. I mean, it’s hard to impersonate Hepburn. Ask Jennifer Love Hewitt. Still, Leighton Meester has done better in other Hepburn-based dreams.
  • The episode was named after the 1946 movie “The Big Sleep” which starred Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. In the movie “Sabrina” Bogart played Linus Larrabee, who Chuck was in Blair’s dream. So that’s a nice follow-through.

Grade: C

Rewatch: Meh. There was no Dan. Blair had bad hair.

React: How was it for you? Should Max have remembered Serena’s name? Why does Nate’s grandfather want to “own” Serena? Did you recognize the opening ‘nightmare’ as “Sabrina” or have you not seen one of the best films of all time?! (You can pass on “The Big Sleep“, I personally never loved it.)