Inside, find the first big batch of Girlfriends Guide to Divorce quotes from the very first episode. Then, search by further episodes as you’d like!

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Girlfriends Guide to Divorce Quotes – Season 1, Episode 1

“Rule No. 23: Never Lie to the Kids”
Featuring Abby quotes, Lyla quotes and Phoebe quotes.

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Abby: I think my book can help you get your groove on and I, uh, believed it all when I wrote it, but now I think, what a pile of horseshit. I mean, it should be called “Not In Love Anymore, You Can Stay Married.” But, screw that. You deserve more than that. I mean, women can be funny and so there and so present, but if our hearts shut down, you can’t open them again with a blow torch and this book… I mean, I still think there’s some good advice in there if you actually feel something, honestly, I wasn’t trying to sell you a lie. I was… I mean, there were times when I would watch my husband sleeping and I would just think, if he would just die, it would be so much easier. (Abby’s Speech)

Phoebe: Your brother’s super foxy.
Lyla: Her brother. Super foxy. Are you in a TAB commercial?

Abby: You, sire, are made of rainbows. And a great joy to meet.

Phoebe: He gets off on paying me now. …This is for services rendered.

Phoebe: Thinking about starting a business. …
Abby: What kind of business?
Phoebe: I don’t know, I’m still meditating about that.

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Abby: I never touched him!
Jake: No, no. What you did was worse! Yeah. You felt for him. You confided in somebody. You confided in him!
Abby: Because he listened!
Jake: Oh Jesus.
Abby: He didn’t feign interest while he surfed the Web. He didn’t take a dump while I was pouring my heart out to him.
Jake: That happened once!
Abby: I begged you, I asked you, talk to me. Make love to me.
Jake: I was tired!
Abby: For five years!

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Abby: It’s incredible.
Will: Yeah it was.
Abby: I mean it’s been so long you could have just put it in and out and my mind would have been blown, so don’t get a big head.

Abby: It’s been a long time. You’d be my first younger man.
Guy: I’m not much younger. I’m 28.

Abby: I said Jake’s name, twice. It’s like a third of my sex vocabulary.

Jake: You’re the answer lady, you sell answers.

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Phoebe: You and Lyla are like these independent, lean in women. I want that too.

Lyla: Gave up? I remember you hemorrhaging my money to a dominatrix!
Dan: You did.
Lyla: No, you gave up when you licked the boot, babe.

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Phoebe: The first thing I did when Ralph and I split was to fly to Berlin and screw myself into a coma.

Phoebe: Abby, Ralph saw him at The Chateau with a CW actress. They were getting a room.
Abby: Uh. Sorry. Sorry, not my business. Um…a CW actress. She play a parent?

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Abby: You’re a looker, aren’t you?
Will: Thank you.
Abby: No, I mean you’re an eye looker. You look at women with your eyes.
Will: As opposed to my elbows? Wow. You are beautiful.

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Abby: Well, people know. I can tell. Eric Frank eye-banged me at drop off. He’s like a divorce seeking missile.
Lyla: Yeah, well, he finger-banged Marjorie Davis so count yourself lucky.

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Abby: You smell like sex.
Jake: Screw you.

Max: Shit happens. But you don’t leave. That’s what we all signed up for. That’s marriage.
Abby: But it’s not always that simple.

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Max: I guess I don’t understand. It’s not like anybody was getting hit, or was an alcoholic or anything.
Abby: I’m so sorry I didn’t get hit. I realize that’s hard for you.

Abby: I write about what I love. I loved us!
Jake: Screw you and your past tense.

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