The Dr. Oz Show is back for a second season – which is weird becuase I could have sworn this show has been on forever. For fans of the show, more power to you. For those who want to kind of mock it with me – it’s you I like. Pull up a chair – I mean, wait, no – Dr. Oz thinks sitting is giving you lower back pain. So please, stand on one foot and drink this seaweed. IT’S GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER.

See, health is important and I understand that. But when I watch even just one episode of The Dr. Oz Show I find myself in a worried frenzy over a million things that could go wrong or might be secretly killing me in my sleep! It’s a show that I think really breeds negativity and fear moreso than generating information. I think it DOES provide information, but only secondary to the fear and panic it gives people. That’s just my stance on it. If you have genuine concerns, see your real doctor. Don’t search on WebMD for hours and let Dr. Oz lead your thoughts towards the conclusion that your contact lenses are going to eventually make your eyes bleed blue. Not that I, uh, did anything like that.

A tagline for the show they probably didn’t want to use: Dr. Oz knows we’re all going to die. And he’s just out to help educate you on all the bizarre, strange, and unlikely ways it could happen.

Seriously, is living longer better if you’re in constant fear and always unhappy? If you want to be healthier, make a change like going vegan. Bam. I’ve fixed you. Little health cheat secrets like “drinking half a glass of red wine once a week” aren’t likely to do much for you, since you just want an excuse to drink the whole bottle.

Here are the episode descriptions for the first few episodes of The Dr. Oz Show, starting on September 9th:

On Wednesday, September 8, “The Dr. Oz Show” travels across the country, from Embarrass, Minnesota to Peculiar, Missouri, and from Truthville, New York to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico to reveal America’s most embarrassing questions. Some residents are in studio to ask Dr. Oz their blush worthy queries in person. This show also provides a back pain clinic for the number one cause of missed work in America – low back pain.

On Thursday, September 9 Dr. Oz explores the relationship between insomnia and hormones in the show “Insomnia Clinic: Are Your Hormones Keeping You Up at Night?” The exploration continues with a segment on the 5 foods that help regulate hormones and can lead to a better night’s sleep.

Friday, September 10 debuts a brand new feature segment for 2010 – “The Pulse” – which rounds up top medical experts for a spirited discussion of the hottest health headlines. Friday’s episode features the most interesting stories of summer 2010, such as the danger of cosmetic contact lenses. “The Pulse” will re-appear throughout the season at various intervals and when major health stories happen.

Monday September 13 marks the debut of “Just 10 Pounds”. Just 10 pounds are all you need to make a huge difference in reducing your risk factors for stroke, heart disease, diabetes and other ailments. Dr. Oz shows his audience the consequences of the extra weight with a fatty liver, smaller brain, fatty heart, fatty omentum and deteriorated knee cap pulled from a cadaver. A team of experts consisting of Dr. Mike Roizen, interventionist Brad Lamm, trainer Gunnar Peterson, and nutritionist Dr. Ro will be on hand to discuss specific techniques to lose the weight and how to stay motivated.