This morning ABC revealed the biggest “Dancing with the Stars” cast yet. A quick rundown of the celebs competing in season 9: Michael Irvin, Joanna Krupa, Donny Osmond, Macy Gray, Tom Delay, Melissa Joan Hart, Chuck Liddell, Debi Mazar, Louie Vito, Mya, Aaron Carter, Natalie Coughlin, Mark Decascos, Kathy Ireland, Ashley Hamilton, and Kelly Osbourne. Full bios (because even I didn’t know who all these people were) after the jump.
Michael Irvin: Played wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, won three Super Bowls, was called “The Playmaker,” had a bit of a nose-candy problem. Used to work as a broadcaster for ESPN’s NFL Countdown until he got caught with drug paraphernalia. He claimed he had “taken it away from a friend” and “forgot to throw it away.”
Joanna Krupa: Model/actress who has done spreads in Maxim, Playboy, FHM and Stuff. She recently proved her mettle when paired with NFL crybaby Terrell Owens on ABC’s “The Superstars” and not taking any of his crap.
Donny Osmond: Part of the famous Osmonds. It’s a family of, approximately, 47 Mormon siblings who all sing and dance. He and sister Marie hosted a variety show in the 70s called, weirdly, “Donny & Marie.” He was one of those 1970s heartthrobs (Leif Garrett, Davey Jones, Shawn Cassidy) and does not appear to have aged since.
Macy Gray: Songstress with that raspy voice, she had the once hit “I Try” and we haven’t seen her until now.
Tom Delay: Republican House Majority Leader from 2003-2005, he was forced to stepped down because a Texas grand jury indicted him on criminal charges that he had conspired to violate campaign finance laws during the early 200s when he helped to coordinate efforts to redistrict congressional districts in Texas to favor the election of more Republicans. Because more elected Republicans from Texas is just what this country needs.
Melissa Joan Hart: CLARISSA! If you’re around my age, you grew up watching “Clarissa Explains it All” on Nickelodeon. If you’re a little younger than me, you watched her on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” on ABC. If you’re older than me, you’re like, “Who the hell is Melissa Joan Hart?”
Chuck Liddell: MMA fighter. There’s a bad-ass MMA fighter on “Dancing with the Stars.” Snerk. He is tied for the most wins by a UFC fighter with 16, and also holds the most knockout wins with 10.
Debi Mazar: I remember her mostly for “Empire Records” and “Batman Forever.” She currently stars in “Entourage” and always liked her kitty-cat eyes.
Louie Vito: Favored to make the 2010 Olympic team in snowboarding. Competing in both the Pipe and Slopestyle disciplines, Vito continues to train for the Grand Prix qualifying.
Mya: Singer who did “Lady Marmelade” with Xtina, Lil’ Kim and Pink. I enjoyed her in “Chicago,” and I know she can dance, so she’s my early pick.
Aaron Carter: Little brother of Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, starred in several Disney Channel shows. Apparently there are 5 singing/dancing Carter brothers. They’re like the new millenium Osmonds. Or the white Jacksons.
Natalie Coughlin: Most decorated female athlete of both the 2004 Athens and 2008 Beijing Games. She won a medal in every single Olympic event that she ever entered—giving her a total of 11. In 2008, she became the first American female athlete to win six medals in one Olympiad. Additionally, she became the first woman to win consecutive individual Olympic gold medals in the 100m backstroke.
Mark Decascos: Famously known as “The Chairman” and the host of Food Network’s Iron Chef America, Dacascos is also a champion martial artist and actor. And it’s no surprise that Mark is world renowned in Kung Fu—both of his parents are former national champions and teachers.
Kathy Ireland: one of my favorite supermodels, I think she’s so pretty and I love her body, as it’s not stick-thin. I liked her work in “National Lampoons Loaded Weapon One.”
Ashley Hamilton: star of hardly anything (“Beethoven’s 2nd?”), he was married to Angie Everhart for 86 days, and he was married to Shannen Doherty for 195 days. He is George Hamilton’s son…. I was not aware of that.
Kelly Osbourne: will she be competing against her mom’s time-slot for “America’s Got Talent?” Daughter of famous rocker Ozzy Osbourne and wife Sharon, she’s notoriously been a little cray-cray.