The first few minutes of Dancing with the Stars revealed to us right away that the two lowest scoring couples of the night were both safe. That’s right boys and girls, Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer and Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas were both safe! The monkey costume girl who forgot her steps and did awful is SAFE. The DWTS show even slowed down the video to show us just how badly Bristol did.  It’s a huge surprise that she’s safe. What is going on, was all of Alaska ordered to vote for her under penalty of Sarah Palin’s wrath?

The judges then got to announced their pick for who should dance again, and it was Brandy and Maks to the theme of Friends. I didn’t like this dance, actually. So I kept my eyes off the screen. What’s interesting is that Brandy and Maks could actually be the pair going home, since one pair HAS to go.

A funny featurette about “Bring It Like Bruno” aired, for Bruno’s fake dance DVD. “The Pencil Sharpener” is the funniest move…or maybe it’s “The Naughty Puma.” He also has another dance DVD called “Bring It Like Bruno: A Little Harder.” Oh man, this was a funny bit.

Jason Derulo performed “In My Head.” But wait, I can’t get over the MONKEY SUIT:

I mean, technically she wore a gorillas uit. But whatever. It’s vaguely reminiscent of Disney’s Fantasia with the pink tutu on the gorilla, but mostly it’s just bad. So bad I can’t get over it. I mean, why NOT a monkey costume? Their song was from The Monkeys, so…why a gorilla costume?

Then there was a fake product commercial for Easy Steps. It was moderately funny. A free bonus dancer in the form of Derek Hough is included! Too bad it’s not Mark Ballas.

The next couple safe was Brandy and Maks (damn.) Then it was revealed that Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough were not safe. What is THAT about? She’s the best dancer.

Then it was time to share the personal story of a family originally from The Congo. They all love to dance.  The family secretly rehearsed to surprise their Mother with a dance on the show. It’s very sweet when families do such sweet things like this, and when they can recover from bad circumstances. Think Shakira can follow up that act? Well, she can. Or at least she was contractually obligated to. But FIRST, we learned what couple was safe next: Kurt Warner and Anna! (I used to dislike Anna but now she’s my favorite female pro dancer!) Rick and Cheryl were left in jeopardy.

David Hasselhoff (David “The Sledgehammer” Hasselhoff) had a video feature as a fake lawyer. Margaret Cho and The Situation guest starred.

Finally, it was time for Shakira to perform “Loca.” And she….had been busy with a bedazzler, man. Her bikini top and pants were sparkly, sparkly and did I mention SPARKLY? They could induce a seizure (TY, I do learn things from watching House M.D.) Her background dances were wearing really awful M.C. Hammer style pants. Why, why, why? They were all barefoot, including Shakira. Sometimes I think Shakira and Ke$ha are the same person… (Ke$ha being a rip-off who can’t dance as well, of course.) I think I might like this song, but I was too distracted by the odd performance to make a fair assessment.

There was a commercial for the KIA Soul, some car, and they used a rap song (“You Can Get With This, Or You Can Get With That”) and giant hamsters! DWTS and their sponsors are now catering to furries, which is obviously why they had those gorilla’s suits! A-ha, found you out. Mwahaha.

Jason Derulo came back to sing “Georgia.”

Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani was saved, but Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas were not. That means that Rick Fox, Jennifer Grey and Florence Henderson were in the bottom three. Grey was saved, and then Florence and Corky were eliminated. That’s really too bad, Florence really loves this show. I’m glad she made it this far, though.