Guys? Worst tourist campaign ever. Not that the reality TV show “Brooklyn Kinda Love”  is supposed to get people to specifically like Brooklyn. But is it supposed to make you feel disgust for humanity? (And it’s not that I’m judging sexual appetites, it’s just the behavior most of these characters exhibit makes me irritated as hell.)

Let’s backtrack before I get all ranty. I made a grave mistake last night. I decided to watch the new Playboy TV show “Brooklyn Kinda Love.” My excuses are plentiful: I was tired, I was curious what it would be like, and as a TV journalist – it’s technically my job.

brooklyn kinda love

So, here’s the thing. It’s porn. Or porn-y. But only in moments. If you don’t want to watch porn, I’m not sure why you’d watch this. And if you do want to watch porn, I figure you’d rather watch actual porn.

It’s a reality TV show about love/sex/relationships. We’re introduced to several couples in some clunky editing. The only couple with substance seems to be the lesbian couple.

The problems of these couples go way beyond the areas “Sex and the City” tackled. Not only does the show tend to show you everything (why yes, that is the dude’s penis yet again, and yes he is telling her to just “lie back and get f*cked) but the issues tend to be a bit more extreme than the standard Cosmopolitan-esque “I want to use a vibrator in bed but it intimidates my boyfriend.”

Instead, you have a couple who has clearly defined rules about how the girl can make out with other girls and the guy can make out with other girls – but no vice versa. It gets even more complicated. If the girl has a boyfriend, she can’t watch. But the boyfriend of the first girl IS allowed to watch. Got all that? Do people really have these rules? Do they approach everything in such a greedy and selfish nature? This, by the way, is the same girl (Frances) who is the one who wants sex more than 4 times a day, every day. Thought that was an urban legend? Nope. You can find it in Brooklyn. She’s also a paranoid nag whose boyfriend is annoyed she wants sex so often.

One of the boyfriends wants his girlfriend to stop taking her anxiety medication, and she wants him to stop Facebooking his ex-girlfriends. One of the ladies wants her other lady to get waxed. One boyfriend wants a threeway. These problems are common and not particularly interesting. The lewdness I find popping up is not in the nudity, but in the actions of these people and how they treat each other. Is humanity doomed? That’s all that reality TV has been teaching me.

If aliens ever find this in a time capsule, they’re going to exterminate our entire race.

Right now the only reason I’d venture into Brooklyn is to slap half of these participants.

Playboy TV airs Saturday nights at 10/9c.