Big Brother 2014: Open letters to the cast – Nicole Franzel, where’s your Pixie Shakira Warrior magic?| August 4, 2014 at 3:05 AM EDT
Last night, Nicole needed to harness some special Pixie-Shakira-Xena-Warrior magic. You’ve gotta be a fighter, girl.
What would you write to the Big Brother cast if you knew it would land in their inbox?
Dear Nicole Franzel,
I want you to own some damn confidence, girl! I know you see yourself as a nerd, and sure, you probably are. (Aren’t we all?) I feel like the guys in the house have really been tough on all the girls…and you probably aren’t such an obvious warrior anyway. But you deserve to be there as much as any other one of them. You wore the Germitard, for God’s sakes! You’re not “floating” as the fans say, which means a lot. When you made your nominations, you were checking in with Frankie to make sure your speech was good enough. While I totally understand the need to be reassured, I also feel like you need to let them see that you don’t have to cater to them all the time. (Not any of them, except Hayden – what a freaking sweetie.) If you aren’t tougher, you won’t win. And Nicole? I’d really love it if you won.
P.S. I doubt Mariah wrote “I have a new boyfriend,” but I love that you said that to dissuade the stalker tendancies that Caleb harbors for damn near any female he sees.
Dear Caleb Reynolds,
Who told you that you could call yourself “beastmode cowboy”? Did they indicate it was a …good name? It’s…well, Caleb, it’s not.
I hope you realize how sexist and controlling you’ve been when Amber was there, and also that CBS has purposefully been playing “Stalker” promos during BB16 that are just too hilariously perfect not to mention.
Dear Frankie Grande,
What is the DEAL? I finally like you in an episode, and all the people on twitter (who aren’t making “backdoor” jokes) were really against you tonight.
When will you see that Zach is effing crazy? Go crush on Hayden or Cody. (If only crushes were logical, right?)
Dear Zach Rance,
You are awful. I seriously hate you more than Devin. I am glad you are on the block, and I hope you are evicted. (Shh, guys. I KNOW. No, listen, you don’t understand. I KNOW. But the reader’s might not. Hush.)
Dear Cody Calafiore,
I enjoy your eyerolls. I hope we get some sort of video that shows them all in a row. (And they can play badass music so it seems even more awesome than it already is. WHAT A HERO YOU ARE.) I’d call you boring…but it isn’t your fault that the producer’s aren’t giving you any screen time (is it?) and therefore, I know nothing about you. God, I HOPE you’re interesting.
Dear Donny Thompson,
You were tickled pink, and so was I. I love that you nominated Caleb and Victoria. You are so bashful about your girlfriend…you are…amazing. Everyone loves you. It makes me sad to see how overcome with joy you get when you realize there are people in the BB house that care for you. Do you not realize what an amazing person you are, and how many people love ya?! (I know that’s a cliche, but I don’t know how many times I’ve ever said it, or when I saw it in such an obvious way. Most people on reality TV shows are so ego-centric there’s no space for anyone else to be in the same room!)
Dear Jocasta Odom,
YOU ARE POINTLESS IN THIS GAME. YOU CANNOT KEEP WEARING STUPID BOWTIES AND TALKING ABOUT GOD AND THEN CRY WHEN YOU END UP ON THE BLOCK. You aren’t even playing the game!
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