Big Brother 2014: Open letters to the cast – mohawks, who’s sane, and poking the bear

What would you write to the Big Brother cast if you knew it would land in their inbox?

Big Brother 16, Photo: CBS

Important note: The show was canceled when the news had to cut in, and so these notes would probably be longer, and have much more to say, had I gotten to see the rest of the show.

Dear Nicole Franzel,

People will …make comments about your voice. I know that they do. But you know what else? They’re haters. Because, are they perfect? Do they not have secret bunions and weird pores? Annoying hiccups? Everyone has quirks. Your voice actually has perks:

1. Someone could always recognize you in the dark.
2. Maybe you have a truly unique singing voice!
3. I’m tired, but I know there’s more.

Dear Amber Borzotra,

I’m not a fan of these mohawk hairstyles you’re embracing.

I’ve been respecting you, but when you dared Caleb to eat a pickle for a date, that was stupid. You knew he would. Then you complained. You’re egging him on. So dangerous, girl. Don’t poke the bear. Everyone KNOWS not to do that.

Dear Caleb Reynolds,

The fact you don’t see how much Amber doesn’t like you, makes me worried for you. Where’s the self-respect. The KIDS on Twitter are calling you, “thirsty.” That ain’t good, even someone old (30) like me, knows that.

Did you literally just say that Amber is getting “too big for her britches” and she owes you everything after she said she didn’t want you to do things for her that would make her beholden to you?

Dear Frankie Grande,

Don’t you dare think I didn’t notice your 80’s style heart bracelet. I used to have one, and I’d very much like one again. Send one asap, deal?

I didn’t get to see much about you and your Grandfather, but I am sincerely sorry for your loss. You have a wonderful, bright spirit.

Dear Zach Rance,

I’m not sure I could recognize you if you weren’t wearing the neon pink trucker hat. Seriously. That is now your official brand. Without the hat? You’re just some guy. With the hat, slightly askew in that nonsensical way, you’re “ZACH FROM BIG BROTHER!”

When Christine disagrees with you once, you decide to launch a war on her? Wow.

Wrapping a velour robe around yourselfl and saying, “It’s game time, bro” makes me think of you as Hugh Hefner in a Fraternity.

“Cody and I are a little more than friends.” – He MEANT that they were in an alliance, but get real. We all know what that sounded like. Somewhere, fans everywhere rejoiced.

Dear Cody Calafiore,

You might be one of the few sane ones left.

Dear Hayden Voss,

You, too. You’re sane. I see it.

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