You tell me if this is fair (and it is SO not). So, the world tells me to watch Better Off Ted, but with my pressing TV schedule of one thousand and forty six shows to watch per day, I’d been putting it off. By chance, I caught an episode and decided I could not and WOULD not wait any longer. So, there I am in the midst of one of the best TV show marathons since my Buffy season 5 marathon of 2003, and I find out that ABC might cancel this brilliant show?!?!? HOW CAN THIS BE? The world is always finding new ways to tell me how much it hates me, but this is a new low.
People don’t need antidepressants, they need good comedic shows, dammit! Seriously. My ‘the world is so depressed and so am I‘ pills do virtually nothing. But after watching just one episode of Better Off Ted I am uplifted! (Almost suspiciously joyful.) And seriously ABC, do you really want to be the reason for the instability of mental health across this great nation? We need you to keep us happy like we’re tiny, tiny infants and this show is our pacifier. Take away our pacifier and we will cry. Oh, we will cry up a hellstorm of fury!
I would put Better Off Ted on the same level of some of my favorite comedies: The Office, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock.
How can you help? Watch the show on Wednesdays & visit SaveBetterOffTed.com
Better Off Ted Quotes
Veronica: Why is there never any creamer?
Ted: Ants. No, Ghosts. No, I don’t know.
Veronica: Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.
Phil: My head was screaming no, but my mouth was chewing gum.
Ted: Who wouldn’t lie to that face?
Veronica: I would like to unsubscribe from whatever you’re doing right now.
Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. …because?
Veronica: There’s a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them… as well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Ted: …Halloween and pie.
Commercial: “Diversity. Just the thought of it makes these white people smile.”
Linda: So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you’re a giant douche-mobile. That’s right, you’re a douche on wheels. Or perhaps a decorative sculpture hanging above a baby douche’s crib. The gossip didn’t specify.
Veronica: All the hard work, late nights and no rest have paid off. We’ve cured sleeplessness. And demonstrated irony.
Ted: I can’t go now, I have to watch Rose.
Veronica: I can wash Rose.
Ted: … I said “watch” her, not “wash” her.
Veronica: Hm, even easier.
Ted: The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you might not know all that much about children.
Veronica: I know they need to be cleaned.
Lem: We don’t create evil things.
Ted: Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser as evil-ish.
Phil: Well, that was only designed so you could peel an orange in your kitchen while sitting comfortably in your living room.
Ted: Well, now it’s used to peel enemy soldiers overseas while you sit comfortably in the Pentagon.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It’s important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don’t. Because we’re a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don’t know what.
Veronica: I heard about Jenkins’ death. The company feels terrible about it.
Ted: People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Veronica: Legal’s position’s is, we don’t know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They’re also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.