You know you want to compare my list to yours, so let’s get this going. Here’s my list of the best movie monologues.
Best Movie Monologue, Number 1: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “Clammy Hands”
Ferris: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh… you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school. I do have a test today, that wasn’t bullshit. It’s on European socialism. I mean, really, what’s the point? I’m not European. I don’t plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they’re socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car.
[sings into shower head a verse from Wayne Newton’s “Danke Schoen” – I recall Central Park in Fall, when you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess… ] Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism’s in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me.” Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I’d still have to bum rides off people.
Best Movie Monologue, Number 2: Girl, Interrupted, “Crazy Isn’t Being Broken”
Susanna: Declared healthy and sent back into the world. My final diagnosis? A recovered borderline… what that means, I still don’t know. Was I ever crazy? Maybe… or maybe life is. Crazy isn’t being broken, or swallowing a dark secret; it’s you… or me…amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it, or wished you could stay a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends… and by the 80’s, most of them were out, living lives. Some I’ve seen, some never again… but there isn’t a day my heart doesn’t find them.
Best Movie Monologue, Number 3: American Beauty, “Lester Voiceover”
Lester: My name is Lester Burnham. This is my street. This is my neighborhood. This is my life. I am 42 years old. In less than a year, I will be dead. Of course, I don’t know that yet, and in a way, I’m dead already. Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the highlight of my day. It’s all downhill from here. That’s my wife Carolyn. See the way the handle on those pruning shears match her gardening clogs? That’s not an accident. That’s our neighbor, Jim, and that’s his lover, Jim. Man, Iget exhausted just watching her. She wasn’t always like this. She used to be happy. We used to be happy. My daughter, Jane. Only child. Janie’s a pretty typical teenager: angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that’s all going to pass…but I don’t want to lie to her. Both my wife and daughter think I’m this gigantic loser. And in a way, they’re right. I have lost something. I’m not exactly sure what, but I know I didn’t always feel this…sedated. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back.
Best Movie Monologue, Number 4: Clueless, “The Haitians Don’t Need to RSVP”
Cher: So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all “What about the strain on our resources?” But it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?
Best Movie Monologue, Number 5: Pulp Fiction, “Fox Force Five”
Mia: It was show about a team of female secret agents called “Fox Force Five.”
Mia: “Fox Force Five.” Fox, as in we’re a bunch of foxy chicks. Force, as in we’re a force to be reckoned with. Five, as in there’s one..two …three..four..five of us. There was a blonde one, Sommerset O’Neal from that show “Baton Rouge, she was the leader. A Japanese one, a black one, a French one and a brunette one, me. We all had special skills. Sommerset had a photographic memory, the Japanese fox was a kung fu master, the black girl was a demolition expert, the French fox’ specialty was sex…
Vincent: What was your specialty?
Mia: Knives. The character I played,Raven McCoy, her background was she was raised by circus performers. So she grew up doing a knife act. According to the show, she was the deadliest woman in the world with a knife. But because she grew up in a circus, she was also something of an acrobat. She could do illusions, she was a trapeze artist — when you’re keeping the world safe from evil, you never know when being a trapeze artist’s gonna come in handy. And she knew a zillion old jokes her grandfather, an old vaudevillian, taught her. If we would have gotten picked up, they would have worked in a gimmick where every episode I would have told a joke.
Vincent: Do you remember any of the jokes?
What you need to know is that I didn’t just go and pick the most legendary movie monologues. I (of course) know that. But I picked the ones I remember best, and are special to me. That’s what is important.
I really wanna know: What would you add to this list of the best movie monologues?