In honor of the most recent episode of Modern Family (Travels with Scout) being so quoteable, I’m compiling some Modern Family quotes. I’ll start with the ones from the most recent episode. When I was in college these would have been the things we’d use as our away messages on AIM. Do kids these days still use that or do they skype their twittering texts over chat roulette?
EDIT: I have now included quotes up to Modern Family “Airport 2010” in this post.
Cam: People always say I scream Hawaii.
Mitchell: Who says that?
Mitchell: What people?
Cam: …You don’t know them.
Phil: Actually, I did get one right mood a couple nights ago… but I cashed that in for something else.
Phil: We’re like two peas in a pod, or Siamese twins, a snake with two heads!
Claire: They’ve actually been all those things for Halloween.
Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers, but it turns out I’m one of them. It’s a miracle I didn’t become a stripper.
Jay: The doorbell won’t stop ringing.
Manny: Maybe a demon is ringing it.
Dylan: I’m just not sure we like the same sorts of music, you know.
Cam: Oh, what, because I’m gay I’m just going to want to play show tunes?
Dylan: No, because you’re old.
Cam: Well, that hurt more, Dylan.
Phil: Dad, what’s up?
Frank: Nothing, but these boxers are starting to ride high.
Phil: I’m in no mood for jokes… although that was a good one. You still got it.
Cam: Did you hear that one lady screaming my name?
Mitchell: That was Phil…he had a Red Bull.
Cam: We’re a very traditional family.
Mitchell: That’s what the disabled lesbian shaman who blessed Lily’s room said, too.
Jay: You’re supposed to floss, too, but you got away with that one.
Phil: Sit, Luke sit.
Dylan’s band member: Dude, you should label those sticks.
Jay: Whats with the sweater? Is that some sort of gay thing?
Mitchell: No! It’s for pepper’s apres-ski party… yeah, its a gay thing…
Cam: My dream for him is that one day, he’ll be on the Supreme Court.
Mitchell: Why Cam?
Cam: So at parties I can tell people my partner is one of the Supremes.
Phil: Sorry I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever.
Jay: He likes to fish?
Gloria: Yeah! He comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers! But I encourage the fishing.
Cameron: I got all medieval on the florists.
Mitchell: Cam, I heard you on the phone, you said you were displeased, but that’s hardly going medieval.
Cameron: Excuse me, I said very displeased and I used my cowboy voice.
Phil: Perhaps I’ll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.
Gloria: It’s very important to Manny that you two go have a nice picnic in the mountains.
Mitchell: We were called “Fire and Nice.” I was “Fire” because of the red hair and Claire was “Nice” because it was ironic and she wasn’t.
Luke: You had a girlfriend before Mom? Phil: Try two.
Phil: We’re like Ponce de Leon and his son… little Ponce.
Phil: What a mom. Sometimes I wish you were my mom.
Claire: Oh God, Phil, I’m already feeling a little queasy.
Cam: Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates.
Mitchell: There were two levels. You know it and I know it.
Cam: Hey, and I was wondering, since you’re gonna be in court all day…
Mitchell: Yeah, you can open the chocolates.
Alex: Did you know fencing goes back to the 12th century?
Haley: You know what’s even nerdier than fencing? Knowing when it began.
Luke: I don’t think you’re a nerd, Alex
Alex: Shut up dork
Phil: Every realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I’m completely clueless.
Phil [about Luke]: He’s one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One year we just got him a box, a really nice box
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can’t get it right.
Mitchell: Ahhh we have been together for, guh, five– five years now? And uh we– we just decided that we really wanted to have a baby. So we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate but–
Cameron: Then we figured, they’re already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?
Mitchell: Don’t think so.
Cameron: No thank you, ick!
Phil: I’m feeling better now…OH GOD IT’S CANCER!!!
Denise: Why are you wussing out?! Phil: I never wussed in!
Mitchell’s new boss: Do you guys surf?
Cameron: Only for bargains on the Web!
Mitchell: I am loose. I’m fun. Remember breakfast for dinner last week? My idea.
Gloria: Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary!
Jay: What’s up!
Mitchell: Uh, well you know, uh, moms in town.
Jay: Your mom?
Mitchell: No, no your mom. She’s back from the grave. Yes, yes my mom, dad.
Jay: My mom would be less scary.
Gloria: I’m Columbian, I know a fake crime scene when I see one.
Phil: You know Jasper?!
Claire: Ignore her, she can’t focus on two things at once.
Alex: Always a good quality in a driver.
Cameron: If I was home right now, I’d be mixing up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don’t think I don’t miss that?
Phil: This stuff’s really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.
Phil: I’m cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face.
Haley: Hey mom?
Haley: Can I have forty dollars for lunch?
Claire: Forty dollars?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: A book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I’d be more worried that she couldn’t come up with a single book title.
Haley: Okay, mom just doesn’t trust me and it’s not fair.
Phil: She trusts you, it’s just the weird stuff that happens at concerts. Boys get urges.
Haley: Eww! Dad, is there something you want?
Phil: Yes, there is., to connect with this girl right here. Now come on, pretend I’m not your dad. We’re just a couple of friends kickin’ it in a juice bar.
Haley: What’s a juice bar?
Phil: Okay a malt shop, whatever.
Haley: Dad, I don’t…
Phil: No, who’s dad, who’s dad? I’m Marcus, from Biology. Hey Haley! How’s it going with you and Dylan? Does he try anything inappropriate with you, girl?
Haley [answering her phone]: Hey. I don’t know, nothing, just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop.
Mitchell: It’s Cameron’s turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer.
Mitchell: Take it down a notch. We’re trying to make a friend, not initiate a three way.
Manny: Lots of stuff that doesn’t kill you makes you weaker.
Phil: We raised our kids right. One of them will come forward, or the other two will rat them out.
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn’t want to hang out with his girlfriend’s dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I’m all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?
Gloria: Jay, I’m home. Did Manny call?
Jay: No, because he’s fine. It was a slumber party, not a gang fight.
Cameron: I’m the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal!
Phil: Let’s show these guys what kind of team they’re about to beat.
Phil: The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It’s like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, “we love you, Phil.”
Phil: My wife is always so tired and she’s always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn’t be so tired.
Phil: Oh no, she could make lists for days.
Phil: I’m really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.
Claire: Well that means a lot to me.
Cameron: I’m sort of like Costco. I’m big, I’m not fancy and I dare you to not like me.
Phil: I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
Cameron: It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s not the day you run away from love. It’s the day you chase it down.