Here you will discover a collection of the absolute best Leslie Knope quotes. She, of course, is the character on Parks and Recreation portrayed by Amy Poehler. She is not a fan of turtles but she sure loves her waffles.
Best Leslie Knope Quotes
“Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee’s greatest lawyer at the turn of century. His nickname was Old Stoneface because of his steely demeanor… and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry and dynamite blew up his face.” – Leslie
“Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors which was a class A felony. Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it and she nobly accepted her punishment: to be set adrift on Lake Michigan like a human Popsicle.” – Leslie
“The fourth floor is awful. The DMV; divorce filings; probation offices…ugh! They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.”
“I broke one rule and I will accept a slap on the wrist. But when you sit back and let your relationship be destroyed, you go down as history as a frozen whore. I’m fighting!”
“I mean, that’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.”
“He’s just a maintenance worker, NASCAR enthusiast, I believe, and oh, interesting tidbit: I once bribed him to keep my relationship with Ben private.”
“Pawnee’s library department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang. Only instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy and shushing.”
“Yeah we got the moon. What are you going to do without tides, Peru?”
“I always emergency smore rations in my car.”
“One time when I was in high school a guy’s mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time when I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn’t feeling it, so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn’t always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers. And then when I tried to sit down, he said, “Don’t eat anything. Rebecca’s coming.” And then he broke up with me.”
“There are very few things I have asked for in this world. To build a new park from scratch, to eventually become president and to one day solve a murder on a train.”
“In a town as old as Pawnee there’s a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of the murder, actually, of Nathanial Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians. He traded them a baby for the city that is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off and made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into rainsticks. That’s the great thing about Indians, back then, is they used every part of the pioneer.”
“Tammy 2 is your killer witness? Please! You’re going to have to do better – Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath who could say or do anything. Pretty good killer witness.”
“The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer so it’s been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”
(On Turtles) “No opinion. They’re condescending.
“Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, would you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post-hence?”
“In a 24 hour news cycle, the tiniest story gets dissected over and over again. In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics and it was reported on for over a year. He wasn’t even competing or anything. He was just going literally to watch the Olympics.”
“Budget solutions number twenty-eight: Use grazing sheep to mow grass in parks. Note: Tired sheep could become food or sweaters.”
“You know what’s thirsty? You know what’s weird? How thirsty I get when I’m weird. When I’m drunk.”
“Calzones are pointless. They’re just pizza that’s harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.”
Leslie: Possum, there was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.
Leslie: And it went into your laundry and your kitchen and it touched all your bras. And I’m so sorry, it’s our fault we captured it and it got out and it ran around and it was a possum, OK? April, run, April. Sorry, Ann. I love you!
How does taking risks make me feel? Amazing. Tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I feel flushed; my muscles are relaxed, yet I feel awake; just waves of pleasure. I wish there was something physical that could make me feel this way.”
“Nobody’s more upset about this than me. I’ve been taking these rec center classes since I was in high school. It’s where I learned hair braiding and how to make biscuits and french kissing. The french kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class. But either way, lesson learned.”
“You know what I should do? I should get my mother a one way ticket to London, leaving today. That way Ben never has to meet her and I could visit her in London. Everybody wins.”
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“Tom come over here and talk about how great I am.”
“I just got to tell you I’m a little tired, so I may have parked on your front lawn.”
“Then I’m sure he’s not cheating on you. But if he is, he’s a monster. And if he’s not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.”
“Do you have any of those shirts that look wet all the time? Or like a metal bikini. Oh! You know what’s always sexy? Fingerless gloves.”
“Pawnee, the Paris of America. Pawnee, the Akron of southwest Indiana. Pawnee, welcome, German soldiers. After the Nazis took France our mayor kind of panicked. Pawnee, the factory fire capital of America. Pawnee, welcome, Vietnamese soldiers. Pawnee, engage with Zorp. For a brief time in the ’70s, our town was taken over by a cult. Pawnee, Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp. Pawnee, it’s safe to be here now. Pawnee, birthplace of Julia Roberts. That was a lie, she sued and so we had to change it. Pawnee, home of the world famous Julia Roberts lawsuit. Pawnee, welcome, Taliban soldiers. And finally, our current slogan: Pawnee, first in friendship, fourth in obesity.” – Pawnee Town Slogans
“As a mature, reasonable adult I understand that this will be the last project Ben and I will be working on together. So, please join us the grand opening of Pawnee’s smallest park on November 12th, 2070.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust Ben. It’s that I don’t have faith in Ben. And also I’m starting to forget who Ben is.”
“Perfect. I’m gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I’m not buying cocaine. I’m going to the bathroom, the wiz palace as I like to call it.”
“The only thing I’m guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants.”
“Yellow haired female… likes waffles and news.”
“And I even called Oprah. Well, I tried to call Oprah. Couldn’t get her number. I’m putting it out there, like The Secret. And hopefully she’ll call me.”
Leslie: I really made love to the pooch on this one.
Ron: Screwed the pooch?
Leslie: I don’t like that term. It’s too vulgar.
“I got that tunnel vision that girls get. I let my emotions get the best of me. I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and it felt icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don’t even remember! I’m wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! I’m just going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete, I wanna just shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis! Bitches be crazy. I’m good at tolerating pain; I’m bad at math, and… I’m stupid.”
“It’s gotten a lot harder to work in government. D’you think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now could he have? Maybe not towards the end of his life, but, he would have….because he loved his job.”
“Oh hey Ben, have you ever seen my complete collection of all 193 National Flags? Oh, here they are!”
“So I have a surprise. And it is possibly to best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentleman, the world famous Lil Sebastian.”
“We need to remember what is important in life. Friends, waffles and work. Or waffles, friends and work. Work is third.”
“Gary Gergich. Jerry Gergich. Gary Gergich. Jerry. Gary. God, they’re both horrible. But Jerry’s better. I’m going to call you Jerry. Okay, Jerry, do you remember a time — I’m sorry, I can’t get over the Gary-Jerry thing.”
“Just think of all the kids who’ll swing on this swing: fat kids, skinny kids, brainiacs, sluts, gay drama kids, goths, jocks, the alternative crowd…”
“He’s not going to be able to keep anything from me. In high school they used to call me Angela Lansbery… but that was because of my hair cut.”
(Hobbies) “Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn’t sound fun…jammin’ on my planner!”
Waiter: “Would you like any wine to start?”
Leslie: “Yes, and I’m gonna be direct and honest with you, I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.”
“The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.”
“I once hosted a forum about a new bike rack that lasted seven hours. Now, when I need these people to complain they’re done in 45 minutes?”
“The library is the worst bunch of people assembled in history. They’re mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.”
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