An episode of Cougar Town where we get to meet the woman who gave birth to Ellie? Oh, yes, I think “Ways to be Wicked” is going to be the gift that keeps on giving for the quotes.

cougar town

Ellie: Did you hear her? She has to go check on Stan because.. what? I pay so little attention to him that he might just walk out the front door and knock down some neighbor’s mailbox?
Jules: Well, that did happen. Yesterday. To my mailbox.
Ellie: Whatever.

It did seem like an awfully specific example of what Stan would do if he got on the loose.

Ellie: Now is she, or is she not… the worst?
Bobby & Jules: Ugh. The worst. I can’t stand her. Horrible! (etc. etc.)
Grayson: I thought she seemed pretty cool.
Jules: Wow.
Ellie: You’ve always been dead to me, but now, you’re even deader.

Can you be deader? I’m going to go ahead and say yes because, frankly, Ellie scares me a little.

Cougar Town Quotes season 3

Jules: How about we all agree not to talk about our moms. I mean it’s easy for me, because my mom’s dead.
Grayson: Mine too!
Jules: Dead mom high five.

Sure, it’s morbid. But my dad is dead, and I would totally high five it out in this scenario. Just a little glimpse into my dark sense of humor for you all. You’re welcome. (Don’t be afraid….)

Laurie: Oh. Em. G-spot.

Like I wasn’t going to put that. Or use it myself in the future.

Betsy: Did you have a nice lunch with your little white trash sidekick? You know she even smells cheap, like moonshine and taco meat.

Yikes! Betsy lets those claws out when no one is looking!

Laurie: These tiny ones are boob shaped cupcakes. I thought they would sell twice as fast because it would be weird for someone to come in and just buy one.

That is some fabulous logic from Laurie Keller, ladies and gentleman. No seriously. It is good logic. It would be weird to buy one boob cupcake. I also loved she made a Bruce Willis cake and an Alan Rickman cake after watching Die Hard.

Best Cougar Town quotes season 3 posted by Small Screen Scoop.

Betsy: She’d ruin this scarf anyway with that tacky black hair dye. And all that eyeliner. God forbid she starts crying. She’d look like Alice Cooper.
Jules: Who’s Alice Cooper? Is she pretty?

One of the best sight gags ever. I mean, it’s a funny line on it’s own. But just to be clear, Jules had started crying, naturally, and her eyeliner started to run and she looked like, well, Alice Cooper.

Sig: Why does this school even have a cougar? Nothing here has anything to do with cougars.

Exactly, Sig. Exactly. (Well played, Bill Lawrence.)

Jules: Grayson is a self-centered pretty boy with a bastard child and eyes so tiny you can blindfold him with a bead necklace.

Her face as these awful things just come pouring out of her mouth with ease…. classic. Poor beady eyes.

Andy: I learned two lessons. One – Grayson’s a lot faster than he looks. And two: he still thinks wedgies are funny.
Laurie: [laughs] Because they are. Honey, why don’t you just pull that thing down?
Andy: They don’t go down. They’re in me.


Cougar Town season 3 quotes
Jules: Since Ellie’s mom couldn’t do it, no one gets any wine until you say something nice about Ellie.
Laurie: [puts down glass] I’m going to a bar.

I think Ellie was a little proud of her jellybean in that moment.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to go have some wine and decide which of my friends won’t think I’m insane for the whole “dead parent high five” thing.

Written by Melissa Miller. Find her on Twitter @serrae