Paola has learned to like bacon, Alan finally saw his wife in a bikini, and Louis has a goofy priest. It’s ’90 Day Fiance’!

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90 Day Fiance on TLC

90 Day Fiance TV Recap

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Previously, on the most fascinating and crazy reality show TLC has given us yet…Kirlyam and Alan got married! And everyone else is in a rush to get down the aisle.

Russ and Paola

Russ can’t have his wedding day off, because his work was like, ‘guess what, you can’t have 90 days off!’ Dur.

Paola has come a long way, she doesn’t shudder at the thought of bacon.

By the amount of tears Paola sheds when Russ goes off to work (as though he were going off to war in another country) it does seem like Paola does care for him…but I am not going to be EASILY swayed.

Because she’s Paola, she has a bachelorette party. Bachelorette parties were invented for girls like her. (More than just liking to have fun or drink, but liking to wear little-to-no clothes and wearing any jewelry that makes them feel like  a beauty queen or actual queen. Trust me, I’m a girl. I’ll cut you for a sash!)

Wanna know how I figured out Paola was a scam? She called Russ and said, “come back, come back. Make this happen.” So, she knows this is his job and he’s on the road all the time. But she just wants to make sure that they get hitched, and it happens, THEN he can go do his work all the time. UH HUH. (Seriously. Unless she was going to travel on the road with him. In which case, why did they buy an apartment if they could hardly afford it? You don’t have to be a detective to figure it out, at this point.)

In the end, Paola was taken in a HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE to this contemporary church that was mostly windows. She did wear a dress, but it had elbow-length gloves, too much cleavage , and a tiara.

P.S. If you’re in the in-crowd, you just call her PAO, now.

She said so many things that make me think she’s fake. How as soon as she saw him she could see a beautiful wedding with him. How “you’re my husband, right now” and then commenting on the ring. It just FEELS off. And now they’ve gone and had another wedding in Colombia. Who do you think paid for that? Aye.

I have such a hard time believing that any woman as fun and hot as her would want to be with a very boring guy like Russ. I just don’t see it. Do you?

Kirlyam and Alan

Everything Kirlyam says …with her big eyes….she just seems like a child bride. “It’s like a paradise, in the earth.” Such wonder!

“We don’t have to abstain from sex anymore. On the other hand…kinda nervous.”

“I have never been intimated before. We will see what’s happen tonight.” – Kirlyam

At the beach, Alan loses his mind because she’s in a bikini top.

The drama here isn’t if they were going to get married, it’s how will they be the day after their first night together.

Because they’re Mormons, I kept wondering if they were going to be wearing the special white underwear.

They weren’t okay with having sex before marriage, but they’re totally okay with showing the before and after on national TV. Sure. Makes sense to me.

As we saw them after that night, they did seem…still happy together. Which is good. That’s the most certain or enthusiastic I can be about them. They do not prove the case for a love that NEEDED this kind of Visa. I know this sounds harsh. But if only a few people can do that, none of these four couples ever seemed SO in love that you wanted to root for them.

Aziza and Mike

Aaaaugh, it’s the WORST guy on the show. This skeezy Mike. He has a leering look in his eyes. Mike’s friend has the sense to say that, “the magnitude of this is huge, for sure.”

At this point, I’d almost be entirely okay if Aziza was using Mike. I think he’s using her, to actually get a girlfriend – and one that he can boss around.

Mike’s sister and friend, Kelly, did come around a bit…I think. They started to treat Aziza like an actual human. All of Aziza’s last minute thinking seemed a bit scripted for the show. She knew her parents weren’t going to be there, but now

At the church on time, Mike brings in (of course) a CD boombox. Interestingly, Aziza’s dress is just as demure as Aya’s is. These girls are…innocent! (Except Paola. She wanted to walk down the aisle naked, remember?)

As I saw Aziza ready to go down the aisle, I felt miserable for her. You couldn’t see a bride LESS excited to get married. It’s like she was at gun point. I really wanted he to run out the door.

Aziza gives us a scare, saying she’s sick and runs to the bathroom. She says she  thinks it’s telling her that it’s not to be. But then she walks down the aisle. They got married. BORING. SHE’S TRAAAAAPPED.

Aziza talked about how some people will jduge them, but “I don’t really care what other people think.” Which is good, no one should. My point is, how come I never do anything as risky as she did, but I ALWAYS care what other people think?! I’m like, do the people in this grocery store like think I’m pretentious for buying soy milk? Or too fat to be buying ice cream? Normal…stuff!

Aya and Louis

Louis has a best friend, Tony, who went bowling with him to talk about being “sure.” Louis responded that he was PRETTY sure.  Oh, boy.

Tony asks about what happens in a few months if one of them freaks out. Louis doesn’t think so. But I just realized that Louis has HUGE Chipmunk teeth. I watched every episode of this show and am just NOW noticing that? Things can always be discovered!

Her wedding dress is pretty, and I was even into her blue eyeshadow…just don’t ask me about the shoes. David Tutera would go apewild all over this wedding.

DRAMA. Louis is going to be late to the wedding.

When he finally arrives (with lint on his jacket), the priest says, “I’m so furious at you. What the hell did you wait for the last minute…this is your wedding…” I would not enjoy a priest saying “hell” to me in a church! This guy seemed…like, not a very religious guy. Not patient or loving, at least not in that moment.  I started to think it was just manufactured drama, and someone told the priest to try and be funny. Later we saw the priest be much …naturally light and friendly. Whew. (“I think you oughta give the bride a kiss.” I don’t like his manners, though!)

So, Aya and Louis did get married. Boring. (What’s not boring is that they want to have a kid, and Louis’ ex-wife said Louis had agreed he’d never have more children if he ever remarried. DRAMZ IS BACK ON.)

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