Heidi Montag's "Body Language" album

Heidi Montag's "Body Language" album

So I’m watching the 2009 Miss Universe  Pageant brought to you by Donald Trump (GO USA in your NASCAR outfit!) and the first musical performance is from Heidi Montag, who  just seems to be effing everywhere right now. She performed “Body Language,” a “song” off her new “album.”

Turns out Heidi Montag the “artist”  is Britney Spears minus the dancing skills.

Heidi’s “performance” entailed her badly lip-syncing to a song so over-produced that she doesn’t have to have any singing ability whatsoever. Seriously, if my cat could move its lips it could sing this song. It also involves Ms. Montag stripping off her outerwear to reveal a Spencer’s-beard-colored bra and pants set. It’s basically Britney’s 2000 MTV Video Music Awards performance where she ripped off her pinstripe suit and fedora to reveal a similar flesh-colored outfit. Except Heidi Montag WISHES she could dance like Britney Spears. Seriously, this is painful.

2000 MTV Video Music Awards Britney Spears

2000 MTV Video Music Awards Britney Spears

Back to the actual pageant. The Top 15 Contestants are: Puerto Rico, Iceland, Albania, Czech Republic, Belgium, Dominican Republic, Sweden, Kosovo, Australia, France, Switzerland, South Africa, USA, Croatia, and Venezuela.

My early picks for the Top 5 are: Iceland, Czech Republic, USA, Venezuela, and Kosovo.Other observations include that Albania and Croatia both used to be men and France may or may not be Charisma Carpenter.

The “celebrity” judges are Dean Cain, Tamra Tunie, Colin Cowie, Valeria Mazza, a troll named Matthew Rolston, Richard LeFrak, Andre Leon Talley, Heather Kerzner, Farouk Shami, Keisha Whitaker, Gerry DeVeaux and George Maloof Jr.

Flo Rida performs during the swimsuit competition. This is unnecessary. Am I watching a results show from “America’s Got Talent?” Also, all the women are pretty and strut effectively in their swimsuits. What is interesting about this? Albania does need to learn how to crack a smile, though. Maybe she’s afraid it’ll show her Adam’s Apple.

After the swimsuits, they narrow down to the Top 10: Australia, Venezuela, South Africa, Dominican Republic, Kosovo, Czech Republic, Switzerland, Puerto Rico, USA and France. Hey, I got 4 of my 5 picks into the Top 10!

The Evening Gown competition is totally pointless.  Well, so is this whole pageant. Without a talent competition, it’s just really about being pretty and able to walk  around and smile.

Miss Congeniality is… China. Huh.

The Top Five are: Dominican Republic, Australia, Puerto Rico, Venezuela and Kosovo. I only have two left and no USA anymore. Sad day. Man, with her hair up like that, Kosovo looks a lot like Audrey Hepburn (albeit with a lot of makeup on).

The question for the Dominican Republic is about mandatory HIV testing. She starts her answer with, “WHAT’S UP, BAHAMAS!” She then says that testing should be mandatory because AIDS is bad, essentially.

Australia gets asked about swimsuits and countries where women aren’t allowed to wear them and she basically says, “Our bodies are beautiful and I’m glad we can show them off.” Way to not answer the question, doofus.

Puerto Rico gets a question about whether life is easier as a beautiful woman or if it’s harder because no one takes her seriously. She says that it’s a compliment but she works hard in other ways to be taken seriously. Not a bad question.

Venezuela gets asked about sexism and says that women have reached the same level as men have. Hmmm.

Kosovo gets asked why she wants to be famous. She says that all her experiences have given her fame and that she feels like fame is… there are other ways to feel famous and be famous and those are intelligence and also beauty. Ummm… what?

The results are as follows: 4th runner-up is Puerto Rico, then Australia, then Kosovo and finally the first runner-up is…Dominican Republic,which means Miss Venezuela is the winner (below)

Miss Universe 2009 Stefanie Fernandez

So the winner of the 2009 Miss Universe pageant is Miss Venezuela Stefanie Fernandez (above). The out-going Miss Universe is also Miss Venezuela and she obviously doesn’t like being upstaged by a fellow countrywoman because she drops the crown and it goes clattering across the floor. Hahaha.